Melancholy

Melancholy is a great way to describe my overall feelings as of late. The only escapes I have from it are when I'm exercising, when I'm out among nature, or when I'm with friends. When I exercise, the physical exertion burns the stress away and leaves me feeling good. When I'm strolling through the golden-leaved trees along the riverbank with the sun shining down on me and the geese, ducks, and squirrels, I feel balanced and normal. When I'm socializing with my friends, I am enjoying the moment and I can forget, for a time, the uncertain future. I think the feeling of melancholy is coming from trying to suss out the motivations for my actions.

Some psychologists believe that all motivations are fundamentally based on fear. It would seem that in my case, when considering my options, that holds true. I fear regret, self-loathing, and failure when I consider staying in my cozy, safe, and secure (for the time being) job with the government. I fear failure, success, and potential destitution when I consider a career in illustration. I fear that my motivations are fear-based when I consider blacksmithing as a vocation. I want to live my courageously but it seems everything I choose to do is based on fear. I'm certain I'm over-thinking all of this.

Since my return from the trip to Victoria, I've been floating in this dilemma about where to direct my efforts. It seems to bounce equally between wanting to be an illustrator or wanting to be a blacksmith. It isn't necessarily that my identity is tied up in either of these options, although I will admit that's part of it, but rather about trying to minimize the regret I'll feel in the future about the decisions I make now. I regret staying in this government job for so long. I regret not pursuing my illustration career more fully, and wasting time. I regret not pursuing my blacksmithing interests from years back. I see wasted time behind me. There's a big problem going forward, however, as the future will most likely be nothing like the life I've known so far. Big changes for the worse are on their way, despite the "best" efforts of the political and financial classes.

What I must accept, though, is that my life right now is the result of all the choices I've made in the past. I own that, and I bear full responsibility for that. It's comforting in a way because it gives the illusion of control over my own life. What I'm learning now, and it's a bitter lesson indeed, is that the wider world and its circumstances have a strong hand in how my life is shaped. If crises break out in the near future, the best I can ever expect of myself is to respond to them. So perhaps living courageously is to act despite the fear. In some situations, a person may be paralyzed into inaction because of fear, or may perhaps choose to simply ignore the source of his fear until it's in his face and will be ignored no longer. Perhaps courage is the ability to see and acknowledge the truth of a situation, no matter how terrifying it may be, and choosing to act to either minimize the pain, or to even take advantage of what opportunities may present themselves.

I've been working with the concept that courage means to act regardless of the situation. In this particular case it would be deciding to be an illustrator even if I knew ahead of time that it would be extremely difficult to earn any kind of living from it because of how the future is shaping up. I don't want to waste any more of my time on something that I won't end up using. Why is it a waste though? Wouldn't that time spent be valuable in some way? Wouldn't it lead to self-improvement, and time spent on something I really enjoy? I'm getting stuck on the end result again. The irony of it is that a life long pursuit like illustration has no end; I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. The same goes for any pursuit worth chasing.

The one certainty that I do feel at this time is that any time I spend at my government job is time wasted. I am not improving in my career, and I am not improving as a person. These are active choices on my part. I do not want to advance this part of my life any further. I want out, because my potential will never be fulfilled so long as I work here.