tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89867450265807060132024-02-20T01:42:23.142-07:00The Green MagicianTimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-22415546886351297052013-05-28T19:41:00.002-06:002013-05-28T19:41:21.396-06:00Actions are KingFor the past five months I've been keeping a checklist of actions I've taken that support my long term goals of living simply and sustainably. Memory has a tendency to apply a rather flattering bias when recalling our past-selves, so I like to take notes on what really happened to set the record straight. I do this to confirm that the small steps I take from month to month lead me to where I want to be several years from now. It's all part of laying down the foundation for bigger change down the road. I imagine when I reach that point in the not-so-distant future I'll look back and marvel at how far I've come. Is that an arrogant thing to think? I'm not sure, but it seems to be a common occurrence these days. When I look back on who I was not even a year ago, I see that I've made real and significant progress.<br />
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During a visit to my brother's house, I walked over to the first, and only, house that I owned. My brother and I each built our homes at the same time about seven years ago. It's surreal now to think I used to own an <i>entire house</i>, and that I was the only occupant for most of the time I lived there. I don't deny that I have many great memories of that place. Indeed, for a time my identity was quite tied up in the fact that I'd built my own home. In the end, though, it is just a house and it's not the type of place I want anymore. I felt relief as I looked at its disheveled lawn and unkempt yard, and gratitude for finding the courage and foresight to sell it to open my life to grander adventures.<br />
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I don't know if it has to do with my age, or maturity, but I am far more comfortable now with slow, steady progress than I was ten years ago. I was a lot more impulsive and impetuous during my university days and if I wanted to change some aspect of myself or my lifestyle, I would dive into it head first, become immersed in the change for about a week or so, and then drop it out of exhaustion or boredom. That's a kind of wisdom that has to be earned I think, if the student is willing, and I realize now that steady and incremental changes in my behaviour lead to lasting change. It's far more effective than trying to change a half dozen major aspects of myself all at once, and far less tiring. I'm sure everyone who's reading this blog has personal experience trying to hold oneself to a litany of New Years Eve resolutions, only to see them all crumble away after that brief surge of post-Christmas willpower sputters and falls to the wayside.<br />
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Willpower is a funny thing; from my magical studies I've learned that willpower should be effortless, and not the 19th century Victorian clenched jaw kind that may come to mind. However, willpower shouldn't be used to instill long lasting behavioural change. It should, instead, be used to reinforce habits which are far more effective at modifying behaviours over the long term. A small action, such as five minutes of meditation practiced every morning as part of the morning routine, becomes habit quite easily, and willpower steps in on those mornings where I really didn't feel like it. Those incremental changes, applied slowly and one at a time, really help to instill positive habits. This is just one example of how my conscious choice of actions impacts my life. What can happen, and most often does because life is like that, is that another person's decision or series of decisions will have an impact on my life that I didn't expect. Case in point: meeting my girlfriend. It's been a wonderful experience meeting and getting to know her, and it's had a an effect on my plans for the months to come. This is where staying flexible and detached from outcomes really helps.<br />
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All of our lives are made up of decisions, small ones for the most part, and the effects of decisions made by other people. Truthfully we have little absolute control over the direction of our lives. Happenstance, fate, and destiny have a part to play in our lives that, I think, many of us would like to forget about. It would be a cruel world, though, if each person were solely responsible for their lot in life. Those who succeed like to think that they've earned that success solely through the results of their actions, and their actions alone. It's human nature and its ego that encourage that way of thinking. It's also comforting in a sense to think that the less fortunate "earned" their place in life because of poor choices that they've made in the past, rather than accepting that perhaps they were just dealt a shitty hand in life, and no amount of hard work or effort will really change that. Circumstance has a large part to play in all of our lives.<br />
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I used to be a firm believer in the concept of meritocracy, but I realize now the world is not so black and white as that. Yes, people who work hard will tend to see some success from all of their efforts, but there are others who work just as hard, if not more so, and yet never seem to catch a break. Here, as in all aspects of life, outside forces play a part in weaving a complex fabric of cause and effect. A man born in Africa who toils under a punishing and corrupt regime, trying to make a better for himself and his family, I would argue, works just as hard as a middle class, white collar, database administrator born and raised in the Greater Toronto area. Neither person choose the circumstances of where or to whom he was born to, nor how the influence of the society and culture they grew up in would affect him. All that each person can hope to do is focus on actions that have an effect on his immediate situation, and perhaps over time, incrementally change the situation in which he finds himself. <br />
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For my part, I choose to act in the ways that I have some control over so that I can try to get <i>there</i>. Thankfully the journey itself is quite satisfying and stimulating, so whether or not I reach the destination I have envisioned has less importance than it could. That falls in line with my trying to let go of attachment to outcome. It's better to act according to my values, and let the chips fall where they may. This breeds a way of thinking that tells me that whatever may happen, I can handle it.<br />
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I am happy with the progress I've made so far this year. I have things planned out to February of 2014, and I'm sure they'll change as the months go by according to what I'm doing and the circumstances at the time. Being adaptive and flexible will serve me a lot better than slavish adherence to a to-do list of items that my past-self planned knowing little of the future. That's a pretty major change to my personality and outlook, I believe, and I'm certain it's been influenced by the literature I read regarding our uncertain future. Whether or not we face a long societal decline, staying adaptive to whatever situation I find myself in certainly won't hurt.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-36972652810782776892013-05-22T09:00:00.000-06:002013-05-22T09:00:58.865-06:00Productivity<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PxRqPNu4WFA/UZzTdbZhG9I/AAAAAAAAAQA/iKYrbSo-PSM/s1600/hoophouse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PxRqPNu4WFA/UZzTdbZhG9I/AAAAAAAAAQA/iKYrbSo-PSM/s320/hoophouse.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
Yesterday afternoon I was in the Lord Roberts Community Center hoop house to work in some peat moss and compost into the compacted soil in preparation for planting. My girlfriend was eager to help out, and between the two of us we managed to finish prepping the entire area. The hoop house has about 200 square feet of growing space, which allows for a surprising amount of food to be grown in a semi-regulated environment.<br />
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The hoop house is an inexpensive and effective way to increase yields. It can extend the growing season by a couple of months, and also allow us to grow plants that wouldn't normally do well in our climate. The key to ensuring the hoop house works most efficiently is through regular monitoring of the weather conditions, and adjusting it accordingly. Along the lengths of the structure, the plastic sheeting can be rolled up from zero to about five feet off the ground, and anywhere in between. This allows for air movement, and also prevents the interior from getting too hot or too cold. On the hot, sunny days Winnipeg is known for, it's critical that someone come in the morning to open up the sides so that the veggies and fruit don't cook in the intense greenhouse effect of the hoop house. To help regulate the temperature during the evenings, the sides are again rolled down so that the soil stays warm, and moisture doesn't escape too quickly. This all requires someone, or more likely some people,<i> </i>to keep an eye on it. This is where community involvement is critical.<br />
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One of the key objectives of the co-operative I'm part of is to encourage community participation. The neighbours adjoining the Lord Roberts garden plot have adopted it, and keep an eye on it to make sure nothing grows legs and disappears overnight. On occasion they'll also actively lend a hand with the garden. Yesterday as we worked to move compost into the hoop house, a local resident stopped by on his way home from work. We chatted for some time, discussing what's happening with the garden. He mentioned that he and some other neighbours would set up the bean pole fence for us, without being asked to do so. It's that kind of voluntary involvement that's so important to encourage the first tentative steps towards building a more resilient and self-sufficient community.<br />
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Personally, I find the work very enjoyable, and educational. I'm learning about the stuff that really matters to me. Working with friends, family or colleagues makes it that much more entertaining. The work may seem mindless and dull, but it energizes me. To see good, tilled soil ready for the season's plantings is akin to looking at a bright, white page beckoning for the writer's pen or the artist's brush. In some ways, nothing is more creative than encouraging and supporting life to grow under gentle guidance. The pay off for all that work is delicious and satisfying. It's confirmation that I am able to provide for myself. At the end of the day, relaxing to a beautiful sunset with a cold beer in hand, I can look back on what I've done and say, "today's been a productive day." That brings a smile to my face.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-25031631341489792852013-05-08T11:21:00.003-06:002013-05-08T11:23:08.309-06:00The Slow Death of ImaginationYou may want to chalk this post up to me becoming an ornery old man, but it seems that the power of imagination is the sacrificial lamb of the never ending progress of media and entertainment. What is the end game, here? To make movies and video games indistinguishable from reality? To make them better than reality? Supposing that the natural conclusion of the evolution of visual media (primarily) is to supersede, nay replace, the real world is a little unsettling, to say the least. What place would imagination have in that brave, new world? The creators of entertainment are reaching a point where they have such fine control over the display of their creations that they can readily manipulate consumers' perceptions and interpretations. There are few gaps left for the audience to fill with their imaginings, their essence. I think that's a sad thing.<br />
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In a way, I believe media creators have become lost in the endless pursuit of fidelity, and their creations suffer for it. Yes, I can now watch a computer generated video where a character's skin shows those little black dimples and hairs all over the place, but I ask, what value does that add to the creator's story and message? My brain, and imagination, are quite willing and capable to fill in the little details that are pertinent to the story. "The character has acne," is not something I need to know unless it's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6T2olgjnDWY">this</a> commercial. I argue that modern stories would be stronger if they were to allow the audience to engage its imagination while consuming them. They'd have their work cut out for them, however, because the ability to visualize has atrophied for a good majority of the people out there.<br />
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The common refrain from adults is "I don't have much of an imagination." Bullshit. That's a self-limiting belief that's been reinforced by the modern media and society. Every mentally healthy person out there has a very powerful ability to visualize and create within the framework of their own minds an internal reality. When I say visualize, I don't mean imagining visually. Visualization is the brain's ability to create a scene, a story, or a feeling within one's own mind. This process has been shown to improve the performance of athletes, musicians, performers, you name it, when they visualize ahead of time whatever it is they need to do. With practice, the brain is unable to distinguish visualized experiences from real ones. This is the power of imagination, and it's a terrible shame we're letting it languish rather than encouraging its use.<br />
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However, I don't think it's an accident that modern "progress" wants to supplant the need for imagination. Without imagination, we cannot imagine our lives being any different than they are currently. The status quo is maintained, the consumerist lifestyle lives on until it can't anymore, and we're all none the wiser.<br />
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Imagine yourself sitting down to think about the things that really matter to you. That's where it all starts. A voice will intrude, "that's all well and fine, but you have all these things that you are responsible for." The next part is difficult, the next part requires some pretty warmed up and limber visualizing muscle. Imagine all those things you simply couldn't live without were gone. How would you feel? Would it be the end of you? Would you go out and work to win all those things back, or would you stop for a moment and perhaps have a split second realization that all that bullshit doesn't really matter? In that opened space, you may taste freedom. Imagine, how would you fill that space? What would guide your decisions? Imagine yourself sitting down to think about the things that really matter to you.<br />
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Will you?Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-9611684268148689072013-04-30T14:43:00.002-06:002013-04-30T14:45:53.229-06:002013 Outlook - Part ThreeLike most modern novels, my little story about my plans for 2013 has been broken down into three parts. Here, at long last, is the final piece to round out the trilogy! As promised in the preceding two posts, I will be sharing with you my thought processes in deciding where will be a great place to settle down to ride out the ongoing energy decline. There's some new information I've come across recently that will impact my list of "bug-out" places, and I'll get to that in a bit. First of, though, let's pick my brain apart and puzzle out the (hopefully) rational process of deciding what makes one place more ideal than another.<br />
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My criteria for whether or not a given locale will weather the deindustrial future can be broken down into three broad categories: physical, communal, and sociopolitical. Since predicting the future to a fine degree of accuracy has eluded our grasp over the entire history of humanity, I've resisted the temptation to reduce these criteria to really granular requirements. Rather, each category is again broadly broken down into what I consider the "non-negotiables." Anything that doesn't fall into this purview can, and will have to be, dealt with as it comes. I'm hoping this leaves me flexible and adaptable.<br />
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I want to tackle the physical requirements first because one of its criteria is more important than anything else. Can you guess what it is? Here's the list:<br />
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<ul>
<li>easy, consistent access to potable water</li>
<li>relatively mild climate without extremes in either direction</li>
<li>low sensitivity to climate change</li>
</ul>
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The first criteria should be self-explanatory. For the most part, citizens of developed countries, especially Canada, take access to drinking water for granted. There is massive infrastructure investment and maintenance that goes on to provide safe, drinkable water to the majority of the population. Remember the majority of people live in cities now, and how many wells do you know are dug within city limits?<br />
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Here's an example of the fragility of modern water supply. The City of Winnipeg gets all of its drinking water from Shoal Lake, brought to the city via a concrete aqueduct 156 kilometers long! Gravity feeds four reservoirs at the edge of the city, and electric pumps deliver the water to their substations and then on to each person's home. Despite being situated where the Assiniboine and Red Rivers meet, these local sources of water have become so polluted that they cannot be safely consumed. In fact, deaths from Red River fever were common right up until 1904 because of high fecal bacteria presence in the Assiniboine River. Yikes! The implications here, of course, are that high population centers, for the most part, will be hard pressed to meet my primary criteria in the future.<br />
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The next two physical requirements are somewhat related. I live in Canada, and to call any of its weather mild is stretching it. However, temperate climates will probably fare best since they have some room to adjust to climate change before they become inhospitable. Coastal regions are mild and wet, but if climate change inundates them with sea water, well, let's just say the mass exodus to higher, drier ground will make the evacuations of British civilians during World War 2 seem like a small family outing.<br />
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Some may think that a mild climate really should be negotiable. I mean, how bad can a winter be that reaches temperatures of -20 degrees Celsius on a regular, and ongoing, basis? All I have to say is this: let's see just how comfortable one of those suburban McMansions will be in the middle of a typical prairie winter when the cost of heating is prohibitively high. I also hope that anyone that chooses to stay here really likes salted meats, preserved food, root vegetables and grains, because that's all they'll be eating for nearly six months of the year. I rest my case.<br />
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The next main category to address is community. It's a nebulous, hard-to-define, feeling one gets about a group of people who live in close proximity to one another. There are as many types of community as there are types of people in this world. Keeping that in mind, there are some overarching "personality" traits that I'm looking for in a prospective community. They are:<br />
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<ul>
<li>low population density</li>
<li>self-sufficiency</li>
<li>people who "get it"</li>
</ul>
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Low population density ensures pollution will be kept to a minimum, and the impacts of the community on the environment will be lessened. A major predicament that our modern society faces is overshooting the carrying capacity of its environment. There is only so much pollution that an ecosystem can absorb before it begins to accumulate and damages said ecosystem. This ties in with the other two traits because I hope to find a community where the people are environmentally conscious, and are able to provide for themselves without relying on vast chains of supply. Gathering resources locally is inherently less of a burden on the environment.<br />
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Practical considerations aside, I want to be part of a community that comes together to help one another. I want people who think outside the box store, and form a genuine network of friends and family who understand that we must live in harmony with our environment if we want any realistic hope of thriving long into the future. Industrial society has run its course and it's proven to be unsustainable. There are people out there who understand this, and are willing to help others to move away from the norm.<br />
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The last category may fall more along the lines of "required to live in relative peace and safety." While not absolutely mandatory to living, it will certainly make the transition to a low-energy lifestyle that much easier to bear. The sad reality of a world in decline is that people will fight and bleed over their shrinking slice of the pie. Very few people will ever willingly surrender the creature comforts of modern society; rather, they will focus more and more of their energy on keeping the things they have at the cost of others. This will lead to conflict as resources become scarce. This is why I have sociopolitical requirements for where I want to live. There are two that I've identified, and I hope they'll be guide enough to avoid the majority of strife:<br />
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<ul>
<li>historically "quiet" region</li>
<li>no coveted resources i.e. fossil fuels and minerals</li>
</ul>
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These two I picked up from The Archdruid Report, where John Michael Greer's historian background helps him predict with eerie accuracy the events that we've seen played out over the past five years or so. Choosing to live in a place with little strategic and economic value, in the sense that a modern society would find value in it, seems profoundly wise to me. The best recipe to being left alone is to have nothing that "sane" people would want, i.e. energy, minerals, scalable sources of food and water, etc. Just think of how many times a homeless person was accosted by an employed, middle class worker for the change he beggared or for the clothes on his back. It's an enlightening example of the power of not having what other people covet. The added bonus to this because my friends will most likely like me for me, and not for what I own.<br />
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My original intent was to apply these criteria to some of the places I've been, and determine whether those places would be a good choice. These include Winnipeg, the Okanagan, Vancouver Island, the Canadian west coast, and some of the United States. I'm not going to do that just yet because of some new information that's come my way. Permaculture may provide options and answers where currently I only see problems and questions. I feel I need to process and internalize that information via wwoofing and befriending permaculture practitioners before I can make truly educated decisions on good places to live in a deindustrial future.<br />
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Just as an example, I found out that there's people living in the deep interior of British Columbia, in the mountains, living quite well off the land. This is possible due to the techniques and knowledge of permaculture. I didn't think such a thing was possible, and it's that eye-opening experience that's made me realize that there's a lot more to picking a place than I thought. I need to know more about what's possible with permaculture and what I'm capable of when given the right knowledge and tools. This new discovery is helping to shape the rest of 2013, and some of 2014 as well, and I am glad for that. A longer term plan is forming, and while events may disrupt that plan, I now have a solid direction to move in. It's when I have direction that I am my most effective and optimistic.<br />
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I am very interested to see where I end up a year from now. I feel the changes in my life are accelerating, and each day I'm closer to a new life I never before dared imagine was possible. I hope you'll stick around to share in my journey.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-40623361910476167862013-04-22T12:18:00.001-06:002013-04-22T12:18:06.419-06:002013 Outlook - Part TwoLast week, I shared my hopes, goals, and accomplishments in the immense field (haw) of organic gardening. This growing season is shaping up to be pretty difficult, given that we still have an abnormal amount of snow cover, the ground is frozen, and temperatures have been hovering about ten degrees Celsius below the historical average. The risk of flooding is high, which won't necessarily impact the city all that much, but one of the gardens I steward is on the river-side of the dike. I keep my fingers crossed and hope for better weather in the coming weeks.<br />
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As promised, here is the second part of my plans for the rest of 2013. What I'm sharing with you today is my propensity to try a whole lot of different activities to see how I'll take to them. These activities have a fairly specific aim, which is to be a viable backup in a situation where my "1337" computer hacking skills wouldn't really be in demand. There's an impulse that exists within me, and I'm sure it's not unique, but it's an unmistakeable passion to create. I love to make things that require skill, craftsmanship and attention to detail. The satisfaction of creating something that meets my standards just feels so good! All the different skills and trades I'm trying, and have tried, satisfy those requirements. <br />
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I could spend days writing about my stories and experiences with each skill individually, but to save everyone's time, here's a list of the activities I've tried with the intent that they may lead to earning a living:<br />
<ul>
<li>blacksmithing</li>
<li>woodworking</li>
<li>construction</li>
<li>brewing</li>
<li>cooking and baking</li>
<li>writing</li>
</ul>
Having put them all in a neat little list like that, I'm glad to see that they all satisfy the primary criteria of being viable in a de-industrial society. Whew! I've been focused in that respect, at least. Of the skills listed there, I've found that brewing, cooking and writing have been the most satisfying personally, and I do believe they would have value to others. Who wouldn't like beer and bread along with a tantalizing short story written up by yours truly?<br />
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I readily admit that my focus may be a little off here. I get the feeling that future economies will be more forgiving to generalists rather than specialists. Specialization, especially to the degree that modern civilizations have achieved, requires immense amounts of energy to support the required complex web of manufacturing goods and providing services. These include things like mass production and transportation networks to the massive service industry that attends to matters that specialists just don't have the time, or skill, to address. If generalists, i.e. people who have a large and varied skill set, are going to thrive in a low-energy future, then that really is good news for me.<br />
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I am a few weeks away from finishing an introductory woodworking class. While it has been interesting, it hasn't ignited a passion in me like I thought it would. I also have my doubts as to how applicable modern woodworking skills will be where the availability of all the wonderful and specialized machinery to cut and shape wood is severely curtailed. This highlights an important blind spot in my "future sight" because I have only a vague concept of what the next couple of decades will look like in terms of energy and tool availability. It's probably safe to say that tools and machines that have been around and in use for decades will most likely be around for several more decades. This has prompted me to look once more into the appropriate tech movement that was born during the energy crisis of the 70s. I definitely want to talk more about that in another post.<br />
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A person very dear to me once suggested that perhaps my purpose in life is to support others, to help those around me cope with the difficulties of a troubling and confusing future. Whether that be through emotional support, sharing information or lending a hand, it would seem that almost in spite of my attempts to find the one "perfect" skill, I am unintentionally developing the real talent that I'm meant to use. That thought brought a certain comfort to my mind.<br />
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The role of adviser is something I've thought a lot about, and as time goes on I experience more and more synchronicity related to it. Since the concept was introduced to me over a year ago via the Archdruid Report blog, I've entertained the idea that I want to be the modern equivalent of a medieval wizard: adviser, intellectual freelancer, the man with (almost) all the answers. This concept of being a source for information for others ties in very neatly with the appropriate tech skills I mentioned above. I certainly wouldn't mind if everyone thought of me as a wizard. I may have to grow out a beard! <br />
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The final part of my outlook for this year will be about the beginnings of my search for a place (or places) that would be suitable for settling down for the long term. The vagaries of fortune and the world in general make it almost impossible to guarantee that I'll end up living in any one place indefinitely, but there are specific criteria for what would be an ideal environment. I'll get into those criteria, as well as how some places I've considered measure up. Until then, happy living!<br />
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-42376096275618922452013-04-10T12:20:00.000-06:002013-04-10T12:21:22.424-06:002013 Outlook - Part One<br />
We live in a time where the middle class is under attack. Before, it was the working class that was thrown ever so casually in front of the bus of progress so that the rest of us could have everything we ever wanted. Advances in computers, robotics, and globalization have reached their next logical step and that means the sacrifice of another class of workers in the name of efficiencies, profits and the continuation of the illusion that business as usual is sustainable. Wealth becomes more concentrated and the gap between the rich and the poor widens. It's in this paradigm shift that I'm trying to navigate to a new state where I am as secure as any middle class person could hope to be. The end goal is nothing like what the typical urban, one house, two cars, 2.4 children lifestyle offers up. I will suffer loss along the way, that much is certain, but I hope to gain in ways that make my life more meaningful and authentic.<br />
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In certain respects, I'm returning to the lifestyles of my grandparents and great-grandparents: farmers, homesteaders, independents. In a small way it feels like I am letting down my ancestors because they sacrificed much to see their children prosper in ways they never could. Is it a betrayal to return to the roots of my family's origin, and turn my back on the fool's errand of happiness purchased? I may not have a choice in the matter, as it seems to me that a good number of people in the 20 to 30 year age bracket will be actively competing against their parents for jobs in the near future. With the recent headwinds changing to punish savers and retirees, and the shrinking of the middle class, this will become an all-too-common occurrence. In a time of insanity, it's time to make what appear to be insane choices.<br />
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Keeping these things in mind, I wish to share my plan of action for the rest of 2013. I have three main goals that I want to accomplish by year's end, putting me in a position where I can make some important decisions on where I want to be in 2014 and beyond. As the financial and economic realms sink more and more into the mire of collapse, I must remember to remain flexible. Adaptation to whatever situation and environment I find myself in are key to dealing with the decline with grace and some measure of dignity. These goals aren't written in stone. Rather, I imagine them written on home made paper using charcoal that I traded home brewed beer for from a friendly, and equally crazy, neighbour.<br />
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My goals are threefold: to learn a metric f-ton about organic and sustainable gardening practices, to discover and develop a valuable, low-energy craft or trade skill for bartering, and to find a worthwhile location to start a homestead. This blog post will deal with the first of the three, sustainable gardening, and subsequent posts will address the other two goals.<br />
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There are several factors that go towards achieving some measure of independence from our oil-addicted civilization, and the most important of these is food security. If I am able to provide food for myself, and I can trade surpluses for goods I need, then I am no longer reliant on the vast network of grocery stores, just-in-time delivery systems and global food production to sustain me. This was my primary reason for joining the Sustainable South Osborne Community Co-operative (SSOCC), and I'm sure it's a major factor for many of the other members as well. What's happened over time is that the motivator for learning how to garden sustainably has changed from fear to enjoyment. I'm happy that I'm pursuing this lifestyle because it feels right to me. It's a discussion I've had with several people, but I digress.<br />
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I am now a board member of the co-op, and my primary responsibilities are to act as steward and coordinator of the two intergenerational garden plots located in the South Osborne neighbourhood. Specifically, I am planning the crops to be planted, when they're being planted, and scheduling the volunteers to distribute the work load of tending the gardens. I will be doing all of this with the help of the co-op's vice president, who possesses many years of gardening experience. My hope is that this year will really cement the core concepts and skills required for successfully growing a productive garden. So far I've read several books on the topic of sustainable, organic gardening and permaculture, but I'm itching for the chance to put this knowledge into practice. It's the only way that I'll internalize what I've read. The benefits of learning these skills are obvious. This will fulfill probably the most critical step towards achieving true independence.<br />
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Later this year, I'll be signing up as a WWOOFER to volunteer at organic farms in Canada and possibly abroad. Wwoofing, as mentioned in a previous post, will help me learn community building skills, as well as adapting to a life much simpler than I am accustomed to. It's something I'm excited for, but also dread at the same time, as I'm not 100% certain that I'll enjoy it. I have a hunch I'll take to it like a fish takes to water, but that remains to be seen. It really is a personal experiment for me. I plan to wwoof for about two and a half months starting this September. If I go wwoofing in a country like New Zealand, it would extend the time I have to learn gardening and food production skills. If, on the other hand, I stay north of the equator, I'll learn what the fall and winter seasons are like on a farm, and most likely learn valuable homesteading skills in the process. Wwoofing can also potentially satisfy my goal to find suitable locations
for a homestead of my own. Where I end up settling down to ride out the collapse
is very much in the air at this point, but I am mentally tallying the benefits and detriments of several places as I write this. <br />
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What's important to me is that the work I do over the next year be as close to a daily occurrence as possible. I read recently that to see real change in one's life, it's best to refine a goal to the point that some action made everyday moves one closer to said goal. In this particular case, I'll be either reading about, working in, or planning gardens every day for the rest of the year. How wwoofing shakes out will be determined by my placement, and I can make a more informed decision on where I stand according to my gardening experience later this year. I have a feeling that this summer will be an intense period of work and learning, and I am so ready for that.<br />
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Next week, I'll talk about my goal to discover and develop a valuable, low-energy skill and the meandering path I've traveled so far.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-60426340682636495622013-04-04T13:03:00.000-06:002013-04-04T13:03:10.132-06:00Treat yourselfNot too long ago, I went down to the local grocer to buy some milk, marveling all the while at the wonders of modern convenience. The event in itself wasn't anything special, but there was something in particular that I noticed that got the gears in my head spinning and churning. At the checkout was a tall, tower-like display filled with assorted candy bars. This little shrine to temptation was crowned with a garish advert: "Treat Yourself! Enjoy two for the price of one." I readily admit I felt the desire to buy a couple of bars, imagining all the while how delicious they would taste and forgetting that I didn't need or crave them at all until I laid eyes on them. Thankfully, I managed to resist the impulse long enough to realize just how ridiculous the whole situation was.<br />
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There is a real sense of irony in how the over-consumption of a mass-produced, diabetes inducing, cavity forming piece of crud is thought of as a treat, as though we are doing our bodies a favour. And yet, and yet! How difficult it is to resist the programming to see it as a reward for whatever reason, or no reason at all. This is the hidden power of culture and society. If one is unable or unwilling to pause for a moment while acting out the ingrained habits we're taught since birth, then one is living life according to the dictates of cultural programming.<br />
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Thus, I recommend we "treat ourselves" to a moment of silent reflection before acting on habit. For example, if you're at home, reading this on your laptop and you suddenly feel an urge to eat a sugary or salty snack, stop for a few moments and become aware of that urge. Why is the urge there? Where did it come from? Are you truly hungry, or is there another emotion motivating you to seek out that snack? You may find this leads to a long line of inquiry, culminating in the realization that it really is all your parents' fault, and why didn't they do better? I jest, of course. In all seriousness, the value of that minor, insignificant choice to <i>not </i>act has already been realized. After creating that space, please go ahead and do whatever you like. You've already given yourself a gift that no one else can: self-awareness. It may seem overly simply, but that is the beginning of a life long journey of living consciously.<br />
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Choosing to act, or in some cases, to <i>not</i> act, forms the basis of approaching life consciously. This concept is one of the most basic and important lessons of magic as taught in the Western mysteries. Their claim is that continued and directed practice of living consciously allows the magician to shape their waking world, much in the same way that a lucid dreamer can manipulate his dream in any way he sees fit. I've only just begun my journey on this path and already I am seeing the benefits of persistent practice and study. My life is taking shape in the way that I want, and it all comes down to my everyday actions being guided by intentionality. Treat yourself, and honour this life by living it consciously. Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-59254270094258357342013-03-21T14:29:00.001-06:002013-03-21T14:29:32.963-06:00The land that beckons me<div style="text-align: left;">
I'm going to start this post off with an ancient, 14th century Irish poem from <i>Deidre Remembers a Glen. </i>I'll explain why I'm sharing this in a moment, but first, I want to present this without any sort of pretense.</div>
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THE GLEN</div>
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Fruitful glen of fish-filled pools</div>
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beautiful your rounded hills of wheat;</div>
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remembering you causes me great distress,</div>
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glen of bees and the horned wild ox.</div>
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Glen filled with cuckoo, thrush and blackbird,</div>
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joyous forest to every fox,</div>
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glen of garlic, green with cress,</div>
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flowering clover curly-crested.</div>
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The clear voice of the red-backed deer</div>
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under the oak tree, high on the summit</div>
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gentle hinds and they so timid</div>
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lying hidden in your well-wooded glade.</div>
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Glen of the scarlet berried rowan</div>
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fruit praised by every flock of birds,</div>
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for the badgers a sleepy seclusion</div>
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quiet in their burrows with their young.</div>
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Glen of the silent blue-eyed hawk</div>
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glen with rich bounty from every tree</div>
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glen sheltered by peaks on every side</div>
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glen of the blackberry, wild plum and apple.</div>
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Glen of the sleek brown flat-nosed otter</div>
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leaping lightly, freely fishing,</div>
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many are the graceful white-winged swans,</div>
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salmon spawning in the stony streams.</div>
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Glen of the tangled branching yew</div>
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glen of mists and gentle cows</div>
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glen of the clear brilliant sun</div>
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glen of the graceful women, perfect as pearls.</div>
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In a lot of ways, this poem puts into words the feelings I get when I think of British Columbia, and in particular, the Okanagan Valley, a place I was fortunate enough to call home for four short years. My memories of that place are very dream-like, in the sense that they seem almost too good to be true. I moved away from Kelowna in 2000 and have wanted to go back ever since. This aspect of myself is very difficult to understand for some people, and this post is partly aimed at fostering an understanding. The other purpose of this post is to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings about British Columbia, and to explore why it had such an impact on me.</div>
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I was born in Prince George, B.C., a small town in the northern interior whose primary industries were forestry and pulp milling. I lived there until I was five, so my memories of that place are fairly dim. We moved to Winnipeg, Manitoba in the spring of 1985, and it was the summer vacations my family took to B.C. every year afterwards that really allowed me to learn about the province of my birth. We frequently visited relatives in Prince George and in Armstrong, a small farming community in the northern Okanagan valley. Some of my happiest childhood memories are from those trips: the hot summer days, the frequent, and harmless, quarrels with my brothers in the car during the interminable drive across the Canadian prairies, and the visits with relatives. My family followed this pattern religiously right up until 1996, when my parents decided we'd move to Kelowna.</div>
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It was during one of our regular sojourns to the west that we'd stopped in Kelowna, and in particular, the future site of a suburban development named Kettle Valley. We had driven up a long, winding road that took us quite a ways up onto the hill that borders the eastern edge of Lake Okanagan. From there I could see what felt like the entire valley. We stopped and piled out of the car where the road ended. Beyond was a huge area full of spruce and fir trees, growing out of sandy, dry soil. A bright July sun beat down on us from a clear, blue sky. The air had an arid, dusty quality to it scented by the legion of evergreens around us. Way off in the distance, we could spot tiny white specks out on the lake; boats of all varieties moving about on the dark blue water. On occasion the faint noise of their motors would drift up the hill towards us. Eventually, one of us kids piped up, asking why we came all the way up here. That's when our parents told us that this was going to be a housing development, and that they wanted to build here. The implications of that didn't really sink in at the time. It just seemed too big of an event to process.</div>
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We came home from the trip, and there wasn't any talk of moving for months. It wasn't until January of 1996 that our family sat down to discuss moving to Kelowna. I was elated, while my brothers were less certain, especially the youngest. The decision to go was made that day, and that marked the beginning of our preparations for the big move. The next few months passed in a blur, and before I realized it, it was summer and we were moving to Kelowna. The first couple of months were rough, as they always are, when you have to dig in your roots in a new area and work at building a community again. The beauty of the valley, and the very mild weather, certainly helped overcome that difficulty. I cannot remember ever loving the outdoors as much as I did when I lived there, and I was very much an indoors type of person. My interests involved TVs, video games and books! For the first time, I started paying attention to what lay outside the front door.</div>
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My love affair with the Okanagan went beyond the visual and the weather, however. For the first time in a long while, I felt at peace, and I attribute
that to two things: being given a chance at a fresh start, and
connecting with the natural world in a way I never had before.</div>
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Moving halfway across a country as large as Canada really does afford one the opportunity to start fresh, and this was something I needed badly at that point in my life. I was socially awkward all throughout school, and moving with the same crowd of kids from school to school meant that reputations stuck, even if one started to outgrow them. I was at that point where I could transition to being just a regular kid, rather than "the weird one." This, combined with making friends who genuinely shared my interests, made for an amazing two years of high school. I didn't dread going to class in the morning. I didn't have anxiety attacks that would stop me cold while trying to keep my breakfast down. As a matter of fact, I actually looked forward to going to class. That isn't to say that I was popular by any means, but I was "normal," and that is something every child craves.</div>
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My social life only improved over time. After high school I attended college in the valley, with many of the same people I graduated with. It was a great time in my life, and I fully acknowledge that this made my experience in Kelowna all the sweeter of a memory. I would go so far as to say that perhaps that makes my memories of the Okanagan seem better than they really are. This is one of the reasons why I want to go back and try living there again. It's the test against the hypothesis that people are what made my time in"K-town" so memorable. That's one aspect of my love for B.C. </div>
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The second half of my affection for British Columbia is its natural beauty. This is a far more ephemeral and elusive topic, because it doesn't have an obvious cause and effect. The best way I can describe its effects on me is to say that I feel a deep, abiding peace and love for the province. Places like the Rockies evoke feelings of awe and wonder at the mighty titans that loom over the valleys where people dare to live. The Okanagan inspires a calm and deep connection to the sun-dappled hills, vast forests and orchards and the welcoming lake. The west coast and Vancouver Island have a lushness and vibrancy of life that can't be ignored. I think I can speak more about this connection now because of my spiritual studies, and I would say that my soul is attuned to the energy of that land; it gives me strength, confidence and a surety that I am in the right place. There's never been a time where I doubted that connection. I just lacked the words to define it, as much as something as powerful as that can be confined to the limits of language.</div>
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To be at peace, I need to explore that half of me that wonders if it was the community that made the Okanagan so incredible. Moving out there and living there should answer that question quite effectively. Perhaps it won't be as amazing as I remember it, yet perhaps it may be even better; I am a very different person from who I was 13 years ago. I have much greater appreciation for the natural world, and I am far more community oriented now. In any case, it'll be one hell of an adventure. Speaking of which, I am still committed to my WWOOFING adventure this September. The process of writing this blog post has reinforced that decision.</div>
Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-39221130355407010502013-03-12T09:44:00.001-06:002013-03-12T09:44:17.315-06:00Sticking to the planI certainly hadn't intended to let six weeks go by without posting, but it is what it is. I clearly haven't made blogging a priority and I'll forgive myself for that because of how busy I've been in those past six weeks. The busy-ness of my life right now is what's inspired this post. Let's get right to it.<br />
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One of the main highlights over the past month or so was a workshop I attended on voluntary simplicity. It was hosted by the Sustainable South Osborne Community Co-operative, in which I will be a board member as of tomorrow evening, and it was led by Mark Burch, a leading expert in the voluntary simplicity community. At the workshop I made friends with a peer, someone who was actually my age and is at roughly the same place in his life as I am. We're both in transition from the "old ways" to a new way of living. He's been a godsend as far as I'm concerned because I now have someone I can genuinely communicate with while I navigate the difficult and lonely waters of social pariahism.<br />
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So we come to the heart of the issue of transitioning my core values and lifestyle. This is something I want, but damn it can be pretty lonely at times. That isn't to say that I am alone. I still have all my friends and family, they still love me, and I am ever grateful for them, but they don't get <i>it</i>. I'm not saying "no one understands me" either, because I've begun building a community of like-minded individuals, but they're not my friends yet. For the most part, I am alone in transitioning from the "go to school, get married, buy a house, have kids, go on vacations and work until I retire" script to "discover what's truly meaningful in my life and don't rely on material comforts to provide that meaning." After all is said and done, it may just turn out that the original script is what I want. I don't rule that out. At this point, however, it's looking very unlikely.<br />
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One of the most effective ways of testing this all out, after much consideration, is to completely leave behind my regular life and go on an adventure. I learned last year during my sabbatical that taking a break from the everyday routine can provide a lot of perspective on just what the hell it is that I'm doing. We can get lost so easily in the doing that we forget where it's taking us. I've become so busy exploring my hobbies, building community and socializing that I'm concerned that I'll be swept up by it all again and lose sight of my overarching plan. Going on an adventure will provide the big break I need to gain an even wider perspective on my life.<br />
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A lot of my activities are currently aimed in the right direction. I'm much more cognizant of the activities I choose and how they fit in my life. Some activities I feel move me backwards, things like visiting family or certain friends. It's a mixed blessing, because it allows me to go to back to sleep, in a sense. I can stop striving for personal growth for a little while. I can't stay there for long, however, as that drive to pick myself up and move on is always there in the back of my mind. Maybe that's my purpose in this life. I feel more passionately about that then most other things, and it would explain my dedication to it.<br />
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In the end, though, I have specific goals I want to achieve within the next year, and I don't want to lose them amongst the "living" that happens in everyday life. I am so thankful that I am busy with life, and everyday I do honour to my existence by living consciously. Sticking to the plan, i.e. WWOOFING in the fall, and leaving my very comfortable and safe job, are the priorities. This is the next step for which I've been preparing myself. I've delayed it for one more summer, but then there can be no more excuses. I try to avoid binary thinking as much as a regular person can, but in this instance it truly does come down to moving forward with my personal development, or not. I choose the former.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-38062577469746462492013-01-29T22:40:00.003-07:002013-03-13T08:58:46.996-06:00Fear and CourageI often wonder if I have the courage to make anything of myself in this life time. Since returning to Winnipeg from my little adventure in Victoria, I've been living a life primarily of inaction, paralyzed between my old life and the new one I was moving towards. This is the dilemma that I've been sitting in for months now, attempting to determine what direction I should go with my life.<br />
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I believe I was very close to a break through with "wwoofing," which is a program that allows volunteers to work on organic farms of all types in exchange for room, board and getting to know the farm family and its social circle. I know myself well enough to understand that full immersion is the best way to initiate and internalize change in my behaviours and thought patterns. That probably holds true for most people, I'd imagine.<br />
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Wwoofing is probably one of the best ways to see if I want live a life much simplified. The implication here is that I could hate that lifestyle, and that I'd come running back to the city and extend my current standard of living for as long as possible. I honestly don't think I'd react that way since I love the outdoors, the country, and growing food but there's no harm in trying it out to make sure.<br />
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It's for these reasons that I had made plans to go wwoofing this spring. My original intent was to quit my job, travel the world for a year as a "wwoofer," and then... I don't know. The uncertainty at the end didn't sit well with me because I wasn't sure what I'd do to earn a living, and it was definitely a factor in backing out of this adventure.<br />
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I contacted a vineyard in Summerland and heard back immediately from them. It sounded like a great place, and would be an amazing fit. It fulfilled my desires to work on an organic farm, to be back in the Okanagan (for reasons I'll get into in another post), and it would teach me employable vineyard skills. The family head seemed very friendly, and we would have made an excellent team. This wild plan of mine became very real when I told the SSOCC president and VP, and my boss, that this is what I was planning on doing. It was the discussion with my boss that turned things around, however.<br />
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My boss is very supportive, all things considered, and she definitely appreciates the work that I do. When I told her I was going to quit in March to go wwoofing for a year, she thought it was very cool, but she wanted to arrange a part time gig for me out in Summerland. She didn't want me to quit. This discussion all happened on a Thursday, and she wanted a few days to see if she could work something out before I handed her my resignation letter.<br />
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Here's the thing, though: I didn't want a part time position in Summerland. I didn't tell her that. I just went along with her plan, and then brooded over all of this for the rest of the day. Why didn't I speak up? It was because I was scared. Scared to lose my comfortable, secure job, scared to go on this crazy adventure, and scared of what I would do with myself after the year was up.<br />
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I started rationalizing with myself, thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't go wwoofing: family obligations, volunteering with SSOCC, giving up a perfectly good job, singing lessons, druidry work, brewing, etc. The list goes on and on. All of these things seemed so critical all of a sudden because I was very close to giving them all up for an experience of a lifetime. Well, all those things won out, in the end. I called my boss back the very next day, apologized for sounding like a crazy person, and chickened out.<br />
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At first, I convinced myself that I made the right decision. Family and community volunteering and personal development are all important to me, and it's far wiser to keep what I have than to let it all go, even if only temporarily. That's when the regret started creeping in, and along with it the realization that I had once again let fear intimidate me into inaction. What seemed so important when I was deciding what to do, wasn't all that important anymore. I am now committed to this dilemma for a little bit longer.<br />
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I have since informed the SSOCC president and VP that I will be around for the 2013 growing season, and that I want to join the board of members. This is all truth, and I must keep my word. I also have an illustration project that I need to finish by mid-February for a kid's magazine. It's a paid gig, or at least will be once the contract is signed and delivered, and it'll give me a taste of one of the other paths I've considered taking with my life.<br />
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September is the new "go" date. I've already informed the owner at the vineyard in Summerland of that. I have two options for work: a three month leave of absence, or flat out quitting. I want to quit. I've flirted with this option long enough, and it's long past time for me to move on to something more meaningful. I will feel that fear again when I tender my resignation, the fear of the unknown, the fear that I'm not good enough. That fear must be embraced, and action taken in spite of it, in order to overcome it and start believing that I can control my destiny.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-71678758084120077882013-01-21T21:24:00.002-07:002013-01-21T21:24:23.939-07:00ObservationsI was at a party recently with people several years younger than me, and at one point in the evening the conversation moved to our parents' generation and the financial predicaments some of them are facing as they approach their retirement years. It was troubling to hear stories of real people who could be potentially facing a future that doesn't match the one promised to them by society at large, and it was fascinating that this discussion began at all given the age of the party goers. Issues included large amounts of debt, next to nothing saved or investments lost, and houses that have been leveraged to maintain a standard of living most Canadians consider to be typical.<br />
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Our parents are part of the baby boom generation and have lived through the most prosperous economic times in the history of the western world. Due to the implied social contract that exists, this generation, and generally any following it, fully expect a comfortable, well-to-do retirement that starts around the age of 60. 500,000 baby boomers will be entering this retirement age each year over the next decade or so, and many of these fully intend to tap into the equity of their real estate to fund their golden years in part or in whole. I think there's going to be a lot of disbelief and anger among this group of people for the failure of the social contract to hold up its end of the bargain. This isn't to say that our parents can be held blameless; they have their fair share of poor decisions made, albeit in the frame of a society that encouraged those kinds of choices.<br />
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Garth Turner, over at his blog www.greaterfool.ca, is convinced that the real estate market will tank, with the vagaries of regional circumstances affecting just how deep the asset deflation will end up being. Recent news certainly seems to support this viewpoint, and the wider perspective of macro economic performance in our nation and the world certainly cannot justify the meteoric rise of property value over the past decade. Canada, on average, is rated as one of the more unaffordable places to live and the size of our country and economy certainly can't be blamed for it. Rather, it seems speculation, cheap debt, and treating real estate as a primary investment source are the causes for the inflated prices we see now. The debt binge is over; it's hangover time.<br />
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I am by no means a financial guru, but I have learned quite a bit from the blogs I've been reading over the past year. It seems to me that having the ability to make smart decisions about wealth should be commonplace. I say that financial ignorance is intentional because people who are smart with their money generally make for very poor consumers. I count myself among those who have very little knowledge of investing, and even less hands-on experience. I have recently learned how to save significant amounts of my earnings, but my knowledge of what to do with my cash ends there. I'm curious why something like money management isn't included as part of a basic education. I'd like to ask my teacher friends about that.<br />
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A future where net energy is declining every day will only exacerbate the predicament our parents face as they head into their retirement years. My guess is many of them will have to continue working in some form for far longer than they'd like. It's an ongoing trend in the U.S. where the majority of the jobs created since 2008 have been part time, and the employees are 55+ years of age. I imagine a very similar situation will occur here as well. I also foresee multi-generational homes becoming a common feature as our aging parents seek help that the government will no longer be able to afford due to decreasing surpluses, and because our generation will be one of the first to face widespread downward mobility. Yes, home prices will be depreciating over the next six to ten years, but in parallel with that we will see deflating wages and inflating prices on staple goods and services. It's going to be rough for all involved!<br />
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Completely unrelated to the topic of the post, I should note here that I've postponed my cross-country volunteering adventure until September. My time will be spent preparing for my journey and enjoying the company of family and friends. Next week I'll get into more detail about the skills and connections I'm developing before leaving. <br />
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<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-77411812816734003752013-01-13T11:28:00.001-07:002013-01-13T11:28:29.965-07:00Happy YuleJesus H. Murphy, is it 2013 already? I'm so terribly happy that I didn't make any resolutions this year, especially ones about writing regularly on this blog. The daily journal I keep in the Real World (tm) has been my outlet for angst, agony and acrimony since September of last year. In all honesty though, it really isn't that bad. My life, I mean. In fact, I wanted to start the New Year right by speaking about gratitude, and how it's affected my life recently.<br />
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This evening I had the pleasure of showing my blog to a dear friend of mine, who was polite enough to not immediately close the browser window after reading the first paragraph. (Thank you!) Naturally I read along, and since it's been so long since I wrote those old posts I could look at them with fresh eyes. There were two central themes to the majority of those posts: thankfulness for experiences both new and old, and a terrible anxiety of what to do with myself.<br />
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To be thankful for the many wonderful things in my life is to be free of the need for more. I find it to be a universal truth of humanity that we all seek to increase, in whatever way each of us deem important. Whether that be through career, love, family or perhaps just material things, these are the ways we seek happiness. Learning gratitude frees us from the treadmill of acquisition. I believe this lesson, more than anything, is what's brought a true sense of happiness and balance to my life. I now have freedom to act from a purer source. My motivation is no longer based on the fear of not having or being enough.<br />
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I recently decided that I will quit my job early this year to volunteer at organic farms, homesteads and vineyards in various places around the world. I chose this because I will meet new people, acquire new skills and develop a more worldly perspective. This is my method of growth, because it moves me closer to my true self. It's a process of refinement that began almost a year ago: as I add to my life so too do I subtract those things that are not important to my core values. I have asked myself on several occasions why I would go to all this trouble to seek my true self if I am already happy. The reason goes beyond happiness. It has become a spiritual journey, one that I hope will increase my understanding of Truth. I am reminded of a poem by Rumi, who speaks of the development of the human soul: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Little by little, wean yourself.<br />This is the gist of what I have to say.<br />From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,<br />move to an infant drinking milk,<br />to a child on solid food,<br />to a searcher after wisdom,<br />to a hunter of more invisible game.</blockquote>
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The anxiety that I felt over choosing this career over that career, or living in this place as opposed to another is, for the most part, gone. I was chasing after an illusion because my true target is more meaningful than that. I am no longer so concerned about the exact destination I want to reach because I've finally internalized the lesson that the journey IS the destination. However, there still remains a deep-seated fear of social reprisal from those closest
to me for choosing to let go of a sure thing like my current job. I have to remember that
imagined phantoms are nearly always more frightening than the shadows
that play in the real world. As the same friend who graciously read my blog said earlier today, "You want this, and those around you should (and will) respect your choices." Wise words.<br />
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As the New Year kicks off, I wish to maintain this sense of gratitude for all that I already have. The freedom gained from the humility of thankfulness is exactly what I needed to begin a journey that is motivated by greater and deeper things than fear and joy. Where will it take me? I don't know yet, but this blog will be the chronicle of my adventure.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-32836321924414539922012-11-12T10:16:00.002-07:002012-11-12T10:16:41.260-07:00Fear this"Fear is the mind killer." - Frank Herbert.<br />
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The more I contemplate my life and the decisions I make now and have made in the past, the more I realize that fear controls me. For example, I could have the left the apartment to go to a pub or coffee shop in the off chance that I might get to socialize with people. I'm aware of the rationalizations now that I use to avoid situations that I'm afraid of. Truly the only way to get over fear's control over me is to face it. Where fear would dictate a particular course of action to avoid it, I must choose to act in spite of the fear. It's the only way to properly honour this incredible life I've been given.<br />
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I'm realizing more now than ever that I crave courageous action. This all falls in line with my recent discovery that I want to live an authentic and courageous life. I hate letting fear have so much control over me. The fears are numerous, and it may be I haven't identified them all yet. I'm going to allow myself that ignorance for the time being because I've already identified enough fears to conquer over a lifetime. The fears that bother me especially are the social fears: fear of rejection, primarily, and fear of failure. I don't like that feeling because it makes me feel trapped. <br />
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I must give myself some credit for the tiny baby steps I've made so far. Some things don't concern nearly as much as they used to. I acknowledge my progress, and am glad for it. At the same time I realize there is much more to my potential and I've only just started scratching the surface of the real life I want to lead. The key is to give myself permission to do the things I want to do. Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-41778830870687704342012-10-02T10:37:00.001-06:002012-10-02T10:37:44.233-06:00Melancholy<br />
Melancholy is a great way to describe my overall feelings as of late. The only escapes I have from it are when I'm exercising, when I'm out among nature, or when I'm with friends. When I exercise, the physical exertion burns the stress away and leaves me feeling good. When I'm strolling through the golden-leaved trees along the riverbank with the sun shining down on me and the geese, ducks, and squirrels, I feel balanced and normal. When I'm socializing with my friends, I am enjoying the moment and I can forget, for a time, the uncertain future. I think the feeling of melancholy is coming from trying to suss out the motivations for my actions.<br />
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Some psychologists believe that all motivations are fundamentally based on fear. It would seem that in my case, when considering my options, that holds true. I fear regret, self-loathing, and failure when I consider staying in my cozy, safe, and secure (for the time being) job with the government. I fear failure, success, and potential destitution when I consider a career in illustration. I fear that my motivations are fear-based when I consider blacksmithing as a vocation. I want to live my courageously but it seems everything I choose to do is based on fear. I'm certain I'm over-thinking all of this.<br />
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Since my return from the trip to Victoria, I've been floating in this dilemma about where to direct my efforts. It seems to bounce equally between wanting to be an illustrator or wanting to be a blacksmith. It isn't necessarily that my identity is tied up in either of these options, although I will admit that's part of it, but rather about trying to minimize the regret I'll feel in the future about the decisions I make now. I regret staying in this government job for so long. I regret not pursuing my illustration career more fully, and wasting time. I regret not pursuing my blacksmithing interests from years back. I see wasted time behind me. There's a big problem going forward, however, as the future will most likely be nothing like the life I've known so far. Big changes for the worse are on their way, despite the "best" efforts of the political and financial classes.<br />
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What I must accept, though, is that my life right now is the result of all the choices I've made in the past. I own that, and I bear full responsibility for that. It's comforting in a way because it gives the illusion of control over my own life. What I'm learning now, and it's a bitter lesson indeed, is that the wider world and its circumstances have a strong hand in how my life is shaped. If crises break out in the near future, the best I can ever expect of myself is to respond to them. So perhaps living courageously is to act despite the fear. In some situations, a person may be paralyzed into inaction because of fear, or may perhaps choose to simply ignore the source of his fear until it's in his face and will be ignored no longer. Perhaps courage is the ability to see and acknowledge the truth of a situation, no matter how terrifying it may be, and choosing to act to either minimize the pain, or to even take advantage of what opportunities may present themselves.<br />
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I've been working with the concept that courage means to act regardless of the situation. In this particular case it would be deciding to be an illustrator even if I knew ahead of time that it would be extremely difficult to earn any kind of living from it because of how the future is shaping up. I don't want to waste any more of my time on something that I won't end up using. Why is it a waste though? Wouldn't that time spent be valuable in some way? Wouldn't it lead to self-improvement, and time spent on something I really enjoy? I'm getting stuck on the end result again. The irony of it is that a life long pursuit like illustration has no end; I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. The same goes for any pursuit worth chasing.<br />
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The one certainty that I do feel at this time is that any time I spend at my government job is time wasted. I am not improving in my career, and I am not improving as a person. These are active choices on my part. I do not want to advance this part of my life any further. I want out, because my potential will never be fulfilled so long as I work here.<br />
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<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-10770788291522957872012-09-19T20:32:00.001-06:002012-09-19T20:32:12.299-06:00Regression I feel like I've taken a big step backwards having gone back to work. It feels a bit like falling back asleep after experiencing full wakefulness. Work is stress free and simple, which is nice, in a dull, safe kind of way. The people I interact with on a frequent basis are great. <br /><br />It was funny to me how my friend argued for how smart I am. What made me wonder about my life choices is his saying it's a shame I ended up working for the government because I could have done anything I wanted. The irony of it is that the vast number of choices I face make it very difficult to pick something and go with it. I ended up taking the option that was the easiest at the time: computer science. I would say generally that's how I've operated most of my life, barring some major examples. I really don't know what to do with myself, or whether I should do anything. I've been trying to figure out where my motivation comes from; whether it reflects my authentic self. Why do I feel the need to make something of myself beyond what I am now? <br /><br />
There is a big world out there that seems to be rapidly accelerating towards something that is nothing like what I've seen during my entire life. Settling into work, and the old routines, makes that uncertain future very hazy. It really does feel like falling asleep, my awareness being blunted by what I imagine is culture exposure. The people I associate with have an effect on my thinking, as much as I hate to admit it. So when the alternative news sites report about bigger and bigger things showing signs of reaching a breaking point, and when the people around me seem to be completely blind to it, it encourages me to also turn a blind eye to that bad news. It's simply easier to do so.<br />
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A great example of how my attitude is reverting is how I'm spending my free time. I'm back to collecting stuff, making things, and generally cluttering up my space again. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I really don't like what's happening to me. As I said at the very beginning, all this feels like a big step backwards. It feels like im losing all the great progress I've made over the past seven months. Except for the screen writing and filming with my good friend. That is great fun.<br />
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It seems to me, now that I'm back where I was in February, that I'm ready to jump once again into unemployment to pursue a nebulous career with skills I haven't yet developed during the least hospitable economic environment in decades. I mustn't forget that the reason why I dropped art during my break from work was to start preparing for the hard future that's coming. Sometimes it feels like I'm fooling myself, or pleading with myself, that if I were to get a break from work that it would totally be different this time. It isn't to say that I wouldn't try, but my main problem with art was that I couldn't see an end game with that route.<br />
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Assuming I acquire the skills that would allow me to make a living as an illustrator, what would my prospects look like? Anecdotal evidence of friends is revealing that the economy is tight and jobs are few and far between. These are people who have gone to college and received formal training. It would be a huge risk to leave my secure job to pursue an iffy career in illustration. I would more than likely end up working in an unrelated industry for a pittance, because my skills would be lacking in both computer programming and art. The logical conclusion then is to just stay put, keep my head down, and adapt as necessary.<br />
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And yet, <i>and yet</i>, I feel like I'm giving up on myself. I can't let this go. Leaving work was probably the bravest and most authentic thing I've done in ages (scary thinking of that). The reality is that there will never be a perfect time to move towards a more authentic life, pursuing the things that really matter to me. I must get over my obsession with attempting to divine the destination with whatever path I've taken. There are far too many variables outside of my control that will affect my life, and steer me in directions I haven't even dreamed of at this point. Absolutely it's the journey that matters. If I spend that journey playing it safe, keeping my head down, not reaching for those inconvenient, difficult, and awesome dreams, I know for a fact I'll feel like shit when I hit the end of that road. I'll feel for a life wasted.<br />
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Alternatively, I'll more than likely experience the lowest lows, and the highest highs on the road to authenticity. Nothing will be guaranteed. I will suffer loss and defeat, certainly, but I'll also feel elation and true joy knowing that I've chosen <i>my </i>path. That path will be hard, but when I've reached whatever end point that road leads me to, I know I'll be able to look back and realize that I've spent this life the best way I could: in service to who I really am. <br />
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<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-88059759518683939152012-09-15T21:18:00.003-06:002012-09-19T21:07:54.777-06:00Slow TransitionI'm a perfectionist. It's not debilitating in any way, but it can get in the way of my success. Perfectionists have a tendency to believe that others achieve success easily. We see a successful person and mistakenly assume that that person reached that point with a minimum of effort and with a maximum of self-confidence. Meanwhile, the perfectionist feels he toils endlessly and inadequately at whatever he wishes to succeed at. It's a pretty deranged way of looking at the world, in all honesty. It trivializes the blood, sweat and tears that others put into their successes, while dramatizing the completely normal process of hard-god-damned-work when working towards a worthwhile goal.<br />
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There are other traits of perfectionism that I see in myself on occasion, procrastination being the most common of them. I didn't realize that the myopic view of success I described above was another trait that can be shared among perfectionists. It fits my current world view to a tee. It also explains a lot about my usual pattern of goal setting and goal dropping. It goes exactly like this:<br />
<ol>
<li>I see someone do something awesome! If I'm the slightest bit interested in what that person is doing, then I want to do it too! I begin to imagine how awesome my life would be if I could just do what that someone is doing.</li>
<li>I become very passionate about the subject. I pour a lot of money into these new interests, buying paraphernalia related to the awesome thing that I'll do. So awesome!</li>
<li>I experiment! Hey wait a second, this is actually pretty tough and it's nothing like what that person I watched accomplished. My work is clearly not good enough. Interest begins to wane.</li>
<li>Procrastination kicks in. Rather than put in the blood, sweat and tears required to even begin the journey towards awesome, I load up my web browser to read inspirational blogs, or try to psychoanalyze myself around the fact that I need to, you know, do actual work.</li>
<li>Now that I've procrastinated, AND think that my work is shitty (in reality it's just beginner's product) I feel like crap and want to forget about the whole thing.</li>
<li>I sit at my computer watching someone do that awesome thing over and over, surrounded by all the tools and books I'll ever need to make progress, and wish I could be that someone.</li>
</ol>
What a friggin' self-realization! This pattern is so ingrained in me, that I didn't even realize I was doing it until right now. I'm 32 friggin' years old, and I just came around to this realization. But you know what? I'm not going to beat myself up about it. That's an old behaviour pattern, and the only way to change one's behaviour is to interrupt the old pattern and replace it with a new one. Eventually the brain finally figures out that things are changing, and seemingly out of nowhere, a new identity is formed! So I'm giving myself a big pat on the back, and a stout as a reward, for finally figuring out what the fuck I was doing to myself all these years. (The beer is chilling in the fridge right now).<br />
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I've identified the old behaviour pattern that just isn't working for me, in terms of pursuing long-term goals. Now what I need to do, if I want to change this pattern, is to interrupt the old behaviours and replace them with a new behaviour that will actually help me out. I think I can break this down at each of the steps listed above, like so:<br />
<ol>
<li>I see someone do something awesome! I stop to think of the years of hard work it took them to get to the point they're at, and marvel at the sacrifices I'm sure they've made for their achievements.I think long and hard about whether what they're doing fits into my life, acknowledging that I will most likely have to give something up if I want to see any kind of success. I also stop to think that their life isn't necessarily any better than mine, and the ability to do "the awesome" like they do it won't necessarily improve the quality of my life. If, after this careful consideration, realizing my time is precious, I do decide I want to pursue this new goal, I then proceed to the next step. Otherwise, I learn to be content knowing that there are people out there that do amazing things everyday in their own way, including me, and that I don't have to do what they do to also feel good about my life.</li>
<li>I ease myself into this new passion. I don't spend a lot of money or time on it to begin with. I get the bare minimum of what a novice of this awesome doing would need, and start with that.</li>
<li>I dabble for a bit, and enjoy the process itself. I enjoy learning about something new, and slowly begin to delve deeper into this new, awesome thing I could possibly do. I put in my best effort whenever I'm working, and take pride in the process and the product. I'm learning! Wow, that's neat that I can sort of do this stuff. If I feel good about committing more of my precious time to this new passion, then I carry on. On the other hand, if I feel this isn't really adding to the quality of my life, I happily drop it and move on, knowing I've used up a minimum of my resources and time exploring that passion.</li>
<li>Since I've allowed myself those three first steps, which are very different from the perfectionist list above, I don't feel bad about the time I've spent working on this new thing. I also get a great sense of satisfaction from what I've accomplished because, hey, I did it! I realize that I am just beginning what could very well be a lifelong journey, and that love of the process is the only thing that'll keep me going. I don't procrastinate because I like what I'm doing, and I'm not afraid to make mistakes. I realize mistakes are critical to true learning.</li>
<li>At this point I've totally deviated from the previous list. I carry on with this new interest, checking out other people doing awesome work and get inspired, and work HARD. It's the only way to see real progress, and it feels good to work hard, to really earn all those little successes.</li>
</ol>
What brought this whole self-realization thing about was my post yesterday. My goal, "I am going to be an alpha," is something that I feel strongly will improve the quality of my life. One of the qualities of an alpha is that he doesn't care what other people think of him. This inspired me to put together a Druid funeral ceremony for the informal family get-together we had this evening in honour of my recently deceased uncle. My first mistake was asking permission from my brothers about whether I could use the ceremony. In my mind's eye I picture the alpha calling everyone's attention to the fact that he had prepared something to honour Jamie's memory, and would have delivered the funeral speech, just like that.<br />
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I didn't do that, and ended up giving the ceremony to myself and my family's dog. Now, my first instinct was to beat myself up about this. What a failure you are, my mind would say. I wanted to berate myself and basically beat myself up because I didn't live up to this goal of mine. I fully acknowledge that I didn't catch my old behaviour and interrupt it. I realize, however, that this was a mistake I made on the path towards achieving my goal! Mistakes are ok, so long as I learn from them, and I have. The other HUGE realization I made is that I'm not going to achieve my goal in a matter of days! It's exactly like the perfectionist trait described at the beginning of this post. I was minimizing the amount of real, difficult work it takes to achieve something awesome. It's going to take years, lost of mistakes, and lots of successes too, to achieve that goal.<br />
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Old behaviours abound, and I must remain vigilant. It's going to take a long time to change my identity, but it can be done. I know I can do it, because I have interrupted old behaviours and replaced them with new ones already. It's just a matter of commitment and work now.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-81717431128355692542012-09-14T23:14:00.002-06:002012-09-14T23:14:21.591-06:00Back in the 'pegGot a new project I want to work on. I have my goal defined, now it's just a matter of changing my behaviour consistently enough until my mind starts believing it.<br />
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My goal: I am going to be an alpha.<br />
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That is all. <br />
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<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-61944232297450720132012-09-12T01:15:00.000-06:002012-09-12T01:35:06.835-06:00Victoria - Seventh Day PostingSecond last day here on the island. It's been a good trip, and I've done a lot of soul searching during my visit. Some things I thought I was certain about (horticulture, moving to B.C.), I'm not so certain of anymore. Other ideas have popped into my head. It seems I'm always chasing something. I recognize the feeling; it's like I always need to be progressing towards something, rather than just being happy as I am right now. That could very well be why all these "dreams" of mine turn out to be phantoms in the end. In the process of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, as I always seem to be doing, I came across a very timely blog post from <a href="http://paidtoexist.com/find-your-passion/">Paid to Exist</a> about discovering one's passion and making a living from it:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="background-color: #faf7f0; color: #373733; font-size: 18px; line-height: 29.149999618530273px; margin-bottom: 1.62em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Most of us, after endeavoring on such an exploratory mission, will expect a very clear and concrete answer. We anticipate a Magic 8 Ball to miraculously tell us that “Your future lies in 18th century cast iron welding.”</span></div>
<div style="background-color: #faf7f0; color: #373733; font-size: 18px; line-height: 29.149999618530273px; margin-bottom: 1.62em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Not only do we expect <em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">immediate</em> specificity, we expect angels to burst from the heavens and our heart to light up in a blaze of glory at our reunion with what we love.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: #faf7f0; color: #373733; font-size: 18px; line-height: 29.149999618530273px; margin-bottom: 1.62em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And to make matters worse, we dismiss any answer or clue that isn’t incredibly specific or doesn’t incite tremors of enthusiasm. <strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">The problem is that we expect the fruits of our labor before we’ve toiled in the field.</strong></span></div>
<div style="background-color: #faf7f0; color: #373733; font-size: 18px; line-height: 29.149999618530273px; margin-bottom: 1.62em; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">This is a mistake. Our path will never become completely clear until we start walking it. And we will never be fully excited until we are knees-deep in the work.</span></div>
</blockquote>
So my problem is expecting the immediate specificity of what I should do, as well as expecting an immediate return on my initial forays into any given venture. It is rather immature, to be completely honest. I had never realized just how silly my frame of mind was on the whole issue of pursuing a passion. In addition to all this, I usually quit early on or even before starting because I didn't have complete information right from the get go.<br />
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I'm the type of person who likes to know as much as possible about a decision before the decision is made. I am risk averse, so I feel I need to know what the pay offs will be for the time and effort I expend. This obviously results in analysis paralysis; I spend all my time trying to get as much info about a given decision, and if it looks like I'm unable to map out the process from start to finish knowing with near 100% certainty how it'll turn out, I'll avoid it. I don't like having unanswered questions in my analysis.<br />
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So I'm basically back at square one (again) trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself. I just realized that when I'm moving backwards with my lifestyle, it's because I want to move back to those things society deems as secure: the cubicle job, the family, the house, the wife, the kids, etc. And the reason why I gravitate towards those supposed sources of security is because I'm scared to take the leap and live my life my way. So really, all it's going to take is a little courage, and a lot of patience.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-44993528698457571512012-09-11T01:23:00.002-06:002012-09-11T01:27:48.742-06:00Victoria - day 6Spent a few hours today at the BC Royal Museum. They had a large exhibit on dinosaurs, as well as historical and ecological info about the province. It was a great visit. I treated myself to sushi for dinner; the fish is so fresh here! I also stopped by Solstice Cafe for an hour or so to have my green tea and read some more of The Druidry Handbook. I wanted to see if Druid spirituality dealt with grieving, or saying goodbye to loved ones. I didn't find anything, but I think the book I have is more of a cursory introduction to Druidry, rather than a comprehensive tome.<br />
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I've been spending my evenings watching podcasts of D&D being played. It's really got me itching to play again, and I want to get back home where I can start producing some material. I'm also looking forward to working on the D&D episodes that my friend and I are writing and producing. It'll be good to be back with them to continue that project.<br />
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Visiting Victoria has been a great experience, especially since I've done it on my own. There is a lot of freedom that comes with travelling alone. I like that a lot. Right now, I feel very unsettled. It's as though I'm hovering in a no-man's land between my old life and the new one that I'm settling in to. Part of the problem, of course, is that I'm living out of a hotel while I'm here. I would certainly feel a lot better if I had a place I could call home. I have met some people that could be friends in the future, but for now it's all very tentative. I love the climate here, and the natural beauty is beyond compare. What I need most is some stability in my choices: where I want to live, who I want to associate with, what I want to do for a living and what I want to belief spiritually.<br />
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As I said at the beginning of this blog, my values are evolving. Hell, even my willpower is improving. I had a sudden craving for ice cream late at night, and I was tempted to head down to the local grocery store to pick up a pint and basically pig out on it. I was just about to head out the door when I stopped myself. I turned around, sat back down at the desk, and started some writing. I found the craving had subsided. Now that's a neat feeling; having that kind of control over my impulses.<br />
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I'm standing up for myself, finally. I had an issue with a good friend of mine over an extra being used in our film. This extra has treated me poorly in the past, embarrassed me in front of my friends, and violated my physical space. I told my friend that I didn't want this extra in our film because I was uncomfortable around him. My friend responded, understood my plight, but asked that I give him a chance for the sake of the film. I understood where my friend was coming from, and truly, this extra is harmless when he is sober and not goaded on by his retarded friends. I let my friend know that I would give the extra one chance, and if that he did anything that I was uncomfortable with that I'd leave immediately! I've NEVER done anything like that before! The crazy thing is that my friend didn't flip out. He totally understood and supported me. I've been laboring under some very wrong pretenses my whole life. It felt sooooo good to actually speak my mind and stand up for myself.<br />
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There's been a lot of personal growth lately. I think it's a little disorienting. What I have learned from this trip is that I crave fellowship, I love to create, and I want to help others. I always knew that I loved being in natural surroundings in B.C., and this little adventure has confirmed that. However, when I think of reasons why I want to leave Winnipeg, it basically comes down to weather. If the winters weren't so miserable, I think I'd be quite happy to stay there. There are strong family and friend ties there. I've just started establish community roots as well with the volunteer work I did this year. I know I could make new friends wherever I chose to move, but I'm just not sure if I want to go through all of that. Something I need to be careful of is expecting a move to Victoria would fix all the little "problems" I think I have in my life. Things like low self-esteem, lack of confidence, fear of acting boldly, and standing up for myself are all the big ones. These are all issues that will follow me wherever I go. Everyone deals with them to some degree. I just have to realize that moving isn't a panacea. That being said, the <i>experience </i>of moving and setting up somewhere far from what's normal and comfortable can definitely help overcome some, if not all, of the aforementioned issues. There is much to be said about pushing oneself out the comfort zone. It's concrete proof that I could handle a difficult situation, that I could make it on my own. I think perhaps just for the sake of getting that experience, that moving is a worthwhile venture.<br />
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Oh! I've been giving some thought that perhaps moving south of the border might be a very interesting adventure. I'm thinking specifically of Seattle... If I were to move there, I'd have to definitely brush up on my employable skills. I'm sure that would throw everybody off. Heh.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-18071840544748806052012-09-09T22:07:00.003-06:002012-09-09T22:17:51.678-06:00Victoria - Day 4 and 5Over the past couple of days I've met some very interesting people. People who I can speak candidly with about the de-industrial world we're all headed for. It feels great to be able to speak of these things without having to worry about being attacked. I've also surprised myself with the amount of information I've collected over the past six months or so. I am ready to be an active part of the transition movement.<br />
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I also went to the Anarchist Book Fair today, not knowing what to expect, exactly. I stumbled into a two hour presentation on activist filming that was put together by a long time activist and film maker. It opened my eyes to a group of people that I'd always marginalized in the past. I always assumed activists were yokels and crazies. I find I'm identifying with them more and more. One major disagreement I have with activist movements in general is that they are focused too much on trying to change other people's behaviour. I fall firmly in the camp of John Michael Greer's concept that activism must be done at the personal level. I must change my behaviour before I can expect, never mind demand, that others change their lives too.</div>
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Today I ran across a homeless man just outside a liquor store. He greeted me, and I didn't hesitate to put three quarters into his palm. He was very polite about it, thanked me kindly, and I went on my way. There is a lot of compassion and empathy within me that I'm really starting to tap in to. On my way back to the hotel, I thought about my decision to go back to work in Winnipeg, and how I would be wasting my time there, exchanging my precious hours for a pay cheque. I thought that if I lived humbly, the money I have saved up from selling my house could support me for many years. I could finally listen to my fucking heart for once instead of my head and do something truly worth while. I often question the use of earning more money from a job I hate, since money is more than likely going to go through some pretty drastic changes in the near future. I don't want to throw another year's worth of work time away into that soulless, God-forsaken office.</div>
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R.I.P., uncle. Your soul is free to find its way to the realm beyond.</div>
Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-52934700597202929702012-09-08T00:04:00.002-06:002012-09-08T00:04:12.275-06:00Victoria, day the thirdIt's been another wonderful day on the island. I got a bit of a late start today (heading out at about 10:00 am) and went to the local Thrifty's grocery store to buy some smoked salmon and yogurt for breakfast and lunch. I took my food and biked down to Beacon Hill to eat among the trees and the gardens. As I was leaving, I stopped to ask directions from a young woman who was also eating her late breakfast/early lunch in the park. We got to talking about how I'm considering moving to the island. I've found, overall, that the people here are quite friendly and approachable. It's an encouraging sign.<br />
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I hopped on my bike and decided to follow the scenic sea route that traces the southern tip of the island, heading east towards Oak Bay. I stopped occasionally at the beaches along the way, checking them out to see how they all compare with one another. They're all great, really. It's nothing but pure blue sky here and bright sun shining on sand and pebble shorelines with all sorts of driftwood.<br />
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I took a break to snack on some salmon and water after reaching a marina that was located just north of a large, and very busy, golf course. It was funny, actually, watching a dozen geriatric golfers wend their way through the manicured course. I suppose they'd retire the clubhouse, or one of the very nice houses nearby for a light lunch, followed by t.v. and a nap, perhaps. During my break, I received a call from my landlord, wondering why I hadn't submitted a renewal form for my apartment. It was due on August 30th... whoops! Totally forgot about it. I'm going to try and get the issue resolved before I fly back to Winnipeg, but I've been assured that I won't return to find that they've rented my apartment to someone else. I'm glad I got in good with the management there.<br />
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After my short break, I decided to visit Oak Bay Village, the kind of quaint shopping mecca that one could find in Banff, or any main strip of a small tourist town. I decided on this route as well because Oak Bay Ave turns into Pandora, and Solstice Cafe is on Pandora. I wanted to stop in there for some tea. More on that later. The strange thing about coming to the village is that there was really nothing for me there. Now that I'm done with mindless consuming, it essentially negates the need to visit 99% of the stores out there. I did stop in a bookstore to see what they had. Unfortunately, it only sold new copies of books, and I've seemingly turned into a reverse snob where I'm only really interested in buying used. I will make exceptions for books that I really, really want and can't be found "pre-loved."<br />
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I stopped for about an hour in the village, sitting under an oak tree in a small piece of green lawn in front of some bureaucratic building. I ate my lunch, and then read another chapter from <b>The Druidry Handbook. </b>This chapter was about the rituals Druids are encouraged to perform during the solstices and equinoxes of the year. I have quite a bit of experience with rituals, having practiced the Golden Dawn rituals every day for over two months now. How it's described in the book is that rituals are a type of performing art, and when executed proficiently, can evoke some pretty profound emotions and feelings in the participants. It's much like a poem that gets to the heart of the reader, and can sometimes encourage a shift in thinking and perception. The opening and closing ceremonies are very interesting to me, especially the part about the sword! Ha!<br />
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I packed my stuff up and rode down to Solstice Cafe. I ordered the same drink I got yesterday, green tea, and sat down with my book <b>The Long Descent</b>. I like reading there because there is lots going in the cafe and it lets me people watch when I need to take a quick break from the book. There are some very cute ladies that work at the cafe. I complimented one on her cowboy boots; they really were nice boots. I've noticed that my perceptions have definitely shifted over the past year, because when she told me she got them at Value Village I didn't bat an eyelash. In fact, it made <i>sense</i> to me! A year ago I would have judged harshly for that. In any case, it was a friendly chat and I want to get into practice with that again. I'm not actively looking for "someone." I just want to be comfortable talking to people, whether they be close friends, or strangers I happen to run across at the park.<br />
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I spent the afternoon at the same beach I was at yesterday. It was much busier today, I think perhaps because it's Friday. Lots of families, and couples, and groups of friends. I went down without phone or book this time. I wanted to enjoy the chilly surf, the sun-baked pebbles and the bright blue sky. After baking for a bit I decided it was time I wade into the water to cool down a bit, and give my face and chest a break from the sun. I waded in, turned around, and laughed out loud when I saw "FUCK HARPER" written in huge black letters on the sea wall. Apparently someone was disgruntled. I couldn't help but recall a quote from Gandhi that I read in <b>The Long Descent</b> and that was "Be the change you want to see in the world." It's a very powerful message, and one that I agree with a great deal. I wandered up to the wall, and noticed that some of the driftwood was charred. I found a good sized chunk of charcoal, walked up to the wall foundation below "F-Harper" and scrawled "Be the change."<br />
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Earlier in the day I decided to take my new Victorian friend's advice and go to a restaurant at James Bay Square that served excellent mussels. I'm glad I went! I love the seafood here: local, fresh and delicious. I flirted a bit with my server, too, and again got to talking about where I was from and why I was in Victoria. Thinking back on it now, it's amazing that I actually talked to three female strangers all in one day. There was a point not too long ago where I would have frozen up at just the thought of speaking to a woman I didn't know. I'm taking the easy route here, to an extent, because I did strike up conversation with a couple of people who job it is to be sociable. I give myself full points for approaching the woman in the park, however.<br />
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After dinner, I headed back to the hotel for my jacket. I was going to wander about Wharf St to see Victoria in its nightly splendor. I also wanted to get a bit of a feel for what the town was like after the sun went down. Outside the hotel I'm staying at, I walked by three men who were having a smoke in the parking lot. The entire encounter is a bit of a blur in my mind, so some of the details may be missing. In any case, one of the guys said "hey there, big guy. What's up? What's going on?" I replied with some nonchalant response, and feeling friendly, asked them if they came to the James Bay pub often. That's when things got weird. The same one who had hailed me said something about them being there all the time, then all of a sudden added "you're cute as fuck." I was smiling from the conversation, and I think the expression froze on my face. Sure, in a way, it's flattering, but now all I was thinking was that I wanted to leave. I definitely knew I wanted to leave when I thought I heard the words "prison bitch" and "bar of soap." That's when I said "no thanks" and promptly left. The three continued chatting and chuckling after I left. I felt vulnerable and threatened after I had a few moments to process what had happened. I regretted telling them I was staying at the hotel here, and I was tempted to just lock myself in my room and wait until the safety of sunlight before venturing out again. I didn't give in to my fear, however. I didn't let one strange encounter scare me from enjoying my evening as I had planned. I went out.<br />
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I know to some that none of this would be a big deal, but to me it was. I was quite shaken up, my confidence especially. I started wondering if I should learn some way of protecting myself, or if I should start to learn something about street smarts and knowing how to deal with people like the three in the parking lot. They intimidated me, and I was ready to act from fear as I had always done in the past. This time was different though. I shook it off, and headed out. I ignored the emotional reactions, realizing that it's impossible to know everything, and that I will always be vulnerable to something. I cannot make myself immune to harm and danger. That would hardly be a life worth living, in any case. Always working from a position of fear, trying to minimize the danger and pain, never really dedicating my short time in this life to the things that I want to pursue.<br />
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So I went out, watched a couple of buskers, marveled at the pretty lights of the downtown area, and then headed back to the hotel. I noticed today that I was keenly aware of my being alone. This is a feeling I must learn to be ok with. I mean truly ok. I had a bit of an anxious feeling as I went for dinner and to explore the city at night, but I decided to not let that feeling control me, and everything turned out alright. I think, after three decades, I'm finally starting to get some control over my emotional reactions. I choose how I act, I don't let my immediate emotional reactions decide for me. It's liberating, ironically enough.<br />
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Wow these posts are long. I'm beginning to realize these blog posts are essentially ideal candidates for a LiveJournal site. Oh well. I'm here to share my thoughts openly, because they're worth sharing.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-4603282889924157182012-09-07T01:06:00.000-06:002012-09-07T01:06:20.278-06:00Victoria - Day 2Another lovely, and lively, day in the Pacific Northwest. After my morning meditation and a quick snack of ginger granola and fruit, I packed a couple books and snacks into my backpack and headed out to the nearby Beaconhill Park to check it out. It's a lovely park; one of the nicest I've been to, and it's quite large. I wandered about until I came to a willow tree by the edge of a large pond. Sitting down at the bench nearby, I soaked in the environment. Peaceful, and beautiful it was with the sun shining bright in the sky. This day was shaping up to be much more relaxing than the first. After a time my mind turned to a couple events that I had planned for later in the day.<br />
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After my biking adventure to Royal Roads University, I decided I would bus there today. I was to meet the leader of the horticulture program at noon to get some information, have a look at their learning environment, and possibly speak to some of the students. There I was, sitting on the bench, surrounded by ducks, geese and peacocks (nearly close enough to touch), when I realized that I didn't want to pursue a career in horticulture. Gardening is good, and learning to grow my own food is even better, but I concluded that I didn't want my full time job to be tending to parks or gardens or greenhouses.<br />
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My goal over the past six months has been two-fold: find a career I love, and make sure that career is viable in a low energy future. I went on a sabbatical in February of this year with the intent of becoming an illustrator. Two months in, after discovering blogs like Zero Hedge, Peak Prosperity, The Archdruid Report, and others, I realized that spending the next year on art was going to be a mistake, and a waste of time and money. The kind of future I'm expecting will have little room for luxuries like art for art's sake, and trying to make a livelihood from it would be next to impossible. That's when I began my search for a trade skill to learn. I thought I had found the answer in horticulture, but I was wrong. The thought of going to the school and speaking to the horticulture program leader didn't excite me one bit.<br />
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Faced with the conundrum of what I should for work, I turned to The Druidry Handbook for some inspiration. I should state now that the option of staying where I am doesn't sit well with me. I'm a federal employee working in the I.T. field, and aside from the job being unsustainable, I find it sucks the life out of me. I only stick around for the salary and the benefits. I want my time to be spent on far more productive and meaningful activities. Reading the handbook wasn't all that helpful for resolving my issues in the short term. All options would either require years of learning before any money could be made. I needed something quicker than that, simply because the decline into a deindustrial future is going to be a slow, drawn out process.<br />
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That's when a man, in his late thirties, came walking up with his bicycle and young daughter in tow. He stopped to greet me and said, "what's the good word?" I was confused, and I suppose my face reflected that because he followed up with "what are you reading?" Having decided that I wouldn't hide my true self any more, I told him flat out that I was reading The Druidry Handbook to learn more about nature spirituality and sustainability. He was totally on board with my message. We got to talking about the environment, caring for it, and local volunteer groups like the Sierra Club. He had recently applied for a job with them. After the short chat, he moved on and wished me luck. I did likewise, and couldn't help but think how amazing this city and its people are. These are my people.<br />
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Turning back to my little crisis of my work identity, I put the book down and let my subconscious work on the issue for a bit. I watched the ducks sun themselves on the far side of the pond, and the geese peck away at the green lawn as the gears in my mind churned. Another person wandered by; this time it was a young woman with a fancy camera. I had seen her earlier in the park taking pictures of the ducks and peacocks. I told her I had spotted what I believed to be a falcon in one of the nearby trees. She was off right away to get some pictures. All these little encounters with the people here give me hope that moving here would be an amazing vehicle for my personal growth, simply because it would help me get out of old habits. I began to wonder about her motivations: was the photography a hobby, part of an education or a career? Followed by the thought that if she knew what was coming like I did, then she wouldn't waste her time chasing birds with her camera. That's when the insight hit me; it doesn't matter what she does as long as she's happy doing it.<br />
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I was so ready to sacrifice what I loved doing because I wanted to be prepared for tough times, while having already admitted to myself that the transition to a low energy, deindustrial future was going to be a drawn out, decades-long process. So why couldn't I pursue a career in art, so long as I made time for preparing in other ways? Even better: what if I were to combine my desire to produce art with a practical trade skill like woodworking? I could learn a valuable trade skill, and express my creativity and blossoming druidry all at the same time. Woodworking is enjoyable, it would allow me to work with my hands, and I could create! I am letting the idea percolate in my brain.<br />
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All of this happened in the morning. Later on, I explored the park more thoroughly. Everything was on foot today; I had had enough of biking for the time being. I decided then to wander up to Victoria's downtown area to get a feel for the lunch time crowd, and to check out some of their book stores. The area didn't disappoint. If anything, it felt like an expanded and wealthier version of Osborne village, my eclectic neighbourhood in Winnipeg. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I'll be back there again three days from now to check out the farmer's market, and to sit in on the next Transition Victoria meet up at Solstice Cafe.<br />
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The afternoon was a lazy affair. I came home to cool down a bit from all the sun and walking. I changed into some shorts and a tee, and headed down to the closest beach. It was about a ten minute walk from my hotel. Again, I was stunned by the beauty of this place. In fact, I was feeling guilty that I could derive so much pleasure from this place! The mountain vistas, the crystal clear water, the bright blue sky... I think the guilt was born from my willingness to leave my family and friends behind to enjoy the overwhelming, natural beauty of the island. I thought the Okanagan Valley was a lovely place, but it's nothing compared to here.<br />
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In the evening I met up with a fellow reader of the Peak Prosperity web site who lives in Victoria. We talked about the uncertain future we all face, what actions we'd taken thus far to prepare for it, and just generally enjoyed the fact that we could sit down and chat with another person face-to-face about these issues without having the other person shut down out of fear or denial. It was a great experience, and I hope I can meet more like-minded individuals. We will be meeting up again on the weekend so that my compatriot can show me around the island. I didn't rent a car so my mobility is somewhat limited. I would like to see what some of the outlying regions look like.<br />
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My gosh, it's late! I can't believe this is only my second day here. It's been a whirlwind of exploration and outreach. So far, so good.<br />
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<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-38346070231603214192012-09-05T22:07:00.002-06:002012-09-05T22:07:22.359-06:00Victoria, Day 1Holy hell. Riding a bicycle in the mountains, even in a place as "flat" as Victoria, is vastly different from the prairies. I rode the Galloping Goose Regional Trail from downtown to the Royal Roads University. The trail is about 15 km total, and it took me about 55 minutes to bike it. The trail itself is great: smooth, paved, and lots of room for bikes and pedestrians. There are some especially beautiful parts too that made me feel like I was out in the wilderness rather than riding parallel to the Trans Canada Highway. What was especially eye opening about the whole experience was how quickly everyone biked. I couldn't believe the pace these people could go at, especially with all the hills. I'd be at the lowest (or highest?) gear ratio, pedaling like a madman and moving inches. Seemed that way, at the very least. I did stick it through and reached my destination.<br />
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The Royal Roads university campus seems quite new, excepting the horticulture and greenhouse area. It was set amid giant conifers, which was quite the sight. I couldn't help but wonder how anything could grow in that soil, however. It must be highly acidic from all the needles that fall. I meant to ride out there again tomorrow to meet up with the program leader but after today's little adventure I've decided I'll bus it.<br />
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It was a little strange being there among university-aged people. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking steps backwards in order to try to move forward with my life. I am glad that I've come out here for the week. It'll be a good test to see if I'm ready to leave my family and friends behind. At times I feel my resolve slipping, as though I wish I could put the blindfold on again and "unsee" the evidence that points to a post-industrial future. It would be like the old days where I plug away at my job, spending money with no real concern for the future, assuming things will carry on as it's always been, indefinitely. I know that this can't be the case ever again, and I think being in Victoria on my own, actually exploring a move here and connecting with others who have seen what I've seen and have come to the same conclusion, frightens me. It makes the uncertainty of the future real. I kind of want to close my eyes and pretend it'll all be ok. I think this will be my way of growing up.<br />
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The ride back from the university felt much faster than on the way out, as it always does when exploring new territory. This adventure was good for me; it taught me I am capable of setting my mind to a not-so-easy thing and seeing it through. There were a couple times where I was sorely tempted to just turn right around and bolt for the safety of my hotel room; but I carried on. I knew it would make any future journey that much easier. I couldn't help but parallel the experience to what's described in the exploration of the Qabalistic Tree of Life (see Golden Dawn traditions for details on that). The destination is vaguely known, and the path is somewhat set, but until one actually sets out to discover that path on his own, it will always remain a mystery. I'm proud of myself that I went through with it. I was certain I could have gotten lost several times during that ride but I managed.<br />
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Today's been an interesting day, all told. I think it's time for me to get some sleep. I've been up for over 18 hours now and I didn't sleep well at all last night. I'm hoping the 30+ kilometers of biking I've done today will help me fall asleep right away.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-74731324882959836602012-09-04T21:24:00.002-06:002012-09-04T21:24:18.574-06:00TravelsI have all my stuff together for a week-long trip to Victoria, British Columbia. I'm making this trip for a number of reasons, all of which are related to how I see me living my life in the not too distant future. Here's the short hand version:<br />
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<li>very mild climate;</li>
<li>fertile soil and year-long growing season;</li>
<li>opportunity to tele-work to ease the transition; </li>
<li>smaller community that has active groups focused on transition to a lower energy future and sustainability;</li>
<li>schooling to help me develop my green thumb; </li>
<li>I love B.C.</li>
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That last point may not factor into the rational side of decision making but I truly do feel drawn to that province. In some ways it's inexplicable but the beauty of it, and the energy that I feel when I'm out there draws me to it. How I see my future playing out requires that I be in a place that isn't so harsh for six months of year to make life just that little bit easier to deal with.<br />
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I contacted a like-minded person earlier in the week who currently lives in Victoria to ask about the city. She is convinced, as I am, that our future will be very different from the recent past. So, I've yet to move to a place where I can fully embrace my new identity and already I'm encountering people with whom I can have honest, frank discussions instead of the blank stares I get from my current social circle. I admit, there are people here who are proactively dealing with industrial society's end, and I have met and worked with them. They're good people, but it's heartening to know that such individuals also live in a place that I am so drawn to.<br />
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It's getting late now, and I have an early plane to catch. I'll post again tomorrow from the west coast!Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8986745026580706013.post-49805039068273093832012-09-03T14:43:00.000-06:002012-09-03T14:43:11.715-06:00InauguralI'm sitting here, enjoying a goblet of the excellent Westvleteren XII, a beer that's brewed in limited quantities by Trappist monks in Belgium. I bought a fancy, and overpriced, boxed set that included six bottles of beer measuring in at 30 decilitres, and two goblets. The goblets have some Latin written on them. It reads, "Ad aedificandam abbatiam adiuvi." With the help of Google's translator, I discovered that means "<span class="short_text" id="result_box" lang="en"><span class="hps">I helped</span> <span class="hps">to build the</span> <span class="hps">abbey</span><span class="">." That makes sense, as part of justifying the outrageous price of this beer were the proceeds going towards renovating the Trappists' home.</span></span><br />
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<span class="short_text" id="result_box" lang="en"><span class="">This beer, oddly enough, represents where I am in my life. I am in the midst of a transition from soulless consumer to... well, something more than that. I have a vague idea of where I'm headed but I can't say for certain. If there's anything I've learned in my life it's that plans are easily hijacked and redirected. Buying this beer was an impulse purchase of the worst kind. Encouraged by my friend and fellow beer enthusiast, I gave away nearly $100 for the boxed set. It's too bad that doesn't count as a charitable donation! I have a very strong desire to move past the consumerist lifestyle that pervades society. I believe that as I consume the beer, it represents me leaving the last vestiges of that life behind me. I will then be left with two overpriced goblets, of which I'll give one away and keep one as a reminder of the person I was.</span></span><br />
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<span class="short_text" id="result_box" lang="en"><span class="">I have gone through a lot of soul searching in the past seven months, and I have realized that my life needs some balancing. This blog will be a journal of the journey I take from the life I had, to the one I'm forging for myself. Ironically, the time that I originally gave to myself to pursue a career that I thought I wanted has allowed me the space to take a step back and see that that career wasn't anything at all like what I want from life. My biggest lesson from these seven months is that a little space from the daily grind can grant a whole lot of perspective. </span></span><br />
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<span class="short_text" id="result_box" lang="en"><span class="">That perspective has truly opened my eyes. I have begun exploring my spirituality through Hermetic magic and druidry. I realized that I don't want any part of the rat race that society generally considers to be success. I want to pursue a vocation, a true calling to what I was meant to do on this green Earth, with the life that's been given to me. These are all new and very exciting revelations for me.</span></span><br />
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<span class="short_text" id="result_box" lang="en"><span class="">I've tried blogging in the past, and I lacked the discipline to see it through. Honestly, I also wasn't blogging about anything particularly interesting. This time is different; I'm much better with journals now, I have the discipline to see this through, and I want to share my experiences with others so they can see that there are alternatives to what society at large considers is best for everyone. I hope you'll join me on this journey.</span></span><br />
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<span class="short_text" id="result_box" lang="en"><span class="">Bottoms up!</span></span>Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02326951072141505684noreply@blogger.com0