I often wonder if I have the courage to make anything of myself in this life time. Since returning to Winnipeg from my little adventure in Victoria, I've been living a life primarily of inaction, paralyzed between my old life and the new one I was moving towards. This is the dilemma that I've been sitting in for months now, attempting to determine what direction I should go with my life.
I believe I was very close to a break through with "wwoofing," which is a program that allows volunteers to work on organic farms of all types in exchange for room, board and getting to know the farm family and its social circle. I know myself well enough to understand that full immersion is the best way to initiate and internalize change in my behaviours and thought patterns. That probably holds true for most people, I'd imagine.
Wwoofing is probably one of the best ways to see if I want live a life much simplified. The implication here is that I could hate that lifestyle, and that I'd come running back to the city and extend my current standard of living for as long as possible. I honestly don't think I'd react that way since I love the outdoors, the country, and growing food but there's no harm in trying it out to make sure.
It's for these reasons that I had made plans to go wwoofing this spring. My original intent was to quit my job, travel the world for a year as a "wwoofer," and then... I don't know. The uncertainty at the end didn't sit well with me because I wasn't sure what I'd do to earn a living, and it was definitely a factor in backing out of this adventure.
I contacted a vineyard in Summerland and heard back immediately from them. It sounded like a great place, and would be an amazing fit. It fulfilled my desires to work on an organic farm, to be back in the Okanagan (for reasons I'll get into in another post), and it would teach me employable vineyard skills. The family head seemed very friendly, and we would have made an excellent team. This wild plan of mine became very real when I told the SSOCC president and VP, and my boss, that this is what I was planning on doing. It was the discussion with my boss that turned things around, however.
My boss is very supportive, all things considered, and she definitely appreciates the work that I do. When I told her I was going to quit in March to go wwoofing for a year, she thought it was very cool, but she wanted to arrange a part time gig for me out in Summerland. She didn't want me to quit. This discussion all happened on a Thursday, and she wanted a few days to see if she could work something out before I handed her my resignation letter.
Here's the thing, though: I didn't want a part time position in Summerland. I didn't tell her that. I just went along with her plan, and then brooded over all of this for the rest of the day. Why didn't I speak up? It was because I was scared. Scared to lose my comfortable, secure job, scared to go on this crazy adventure, and scared of what I would do with myself after the year was up.
I started rationalizing with myself, thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't go wwoofing: family obligations, volunteering with SSOCC, giving up a perfectly good job, singing lessons, druidry work, brewing, etc. The list goes on and on. All of these things seemed so critical all of a sudden because I was very close to giving them all up for an experience of a lifetime. Well, all those things won out, in the end. I called my boss back the very next day, apologized for sounding like a crazy person, and chickened out.
At first, I convinced myself that I made the right decision. Family and community volunteering and personal development are all important to me, and it's far wiser to keep what I have than to let it all go, even if only temporarily. That's when the regret started creeping in, and along with it the realization that I had once again let fear intimidate me into inaction. What seemed so important when I was deciding what to do, wasn't all that important anymore. I am now committed to this dilemma for a little bit longer.
I have since informed the SSOCC president and VP that I will be around for the 2013 growing season, and that I want to join the board of members. This is all truth, and I must keep my word. I also have an illustration project that I need to finish by mid-February for a kid's magazine. It's a paid gig, or at least will be once the contract is signed and delivered, and it'll give me a taste of one of the other paths I've considered taking with my life.
September is the new "go" date. I've already informed the owner at the vineyard in Summerland of that. I have two options for work: a three month leave of absence, or flat out quitting. I want to quit. I've flirted with this option long enough, and it's long past time for me to move on to something more meaningful. I will feel that fear again when I tender my resignation, the fear of the unknown, the fear that I'm not good enough. That fear must be embraced, and action taken in spite of it, in order to overcome it and start believing that I can control my destiny.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Observations
I was at a party recently with people several years younger than me, and at one point in the evening the conversation moved to our parents' generation and the financial predicaments some of them are facing as they approach their retirement years. It was troubling to hear stories of real people who could be potentially facing a future that doesn't match the one promised to them by society at large, and it was fascinating that this discussion began at all given the age of the party goers. Issues included large amounts of debt, next to nothing saved or investments lost, and houses that have been leveraged to maintain a standard of living most Canadians consider to be typical.
Our parents are part of the baby boom generation and have lived through the most prosperous economic times in the history of the western world. Due to the implied social contract that exists, this generation, and generally any following it, fully expect a comfortable, well-to-do retirement that starts around the age of 60. 500,000 baby boomers will be entering this retirement age each year over the next decade or so, and many of these fully intend to tap into the equity of their real estate to fund their golden years in part or in whole. I think there's going to be a lot of disbelief and anger among this group of people for the failure of the social contract to hold up its end of the bargain. This isn't to say that our parents can be held blameless; they have their fair share of poor decisions made, albeit in the frame of a society that encouraged those kinds of choices.
Garth Turner, over at his blog www.greaterfool.ca, is convinced that the real estate market will tank, with the vagaries of regional circumstances affecting just how deep the asset deflation will end up being. Recent news certainly seems to support this viewpoint, and the wider perspective of macro economic performance in our nation and the world certainly cannot justify the meteoric rise of property value over the past decade. Canada, on average, is rated as one of the more unaffordable places to live and the size of our country and economy certainly can't be blamed for it. Rather, it seems speculation, cheap debt, and treating real estate as a primary investment source are the causes for the inflated prices we see now. The debt binge is over; it's hangover time.
I am by no means a financial guru, but I have learned quite a bit from the blogs I've been reading over the past year. It seems to me that having the ability to make smart decisions about wealth should be commonplace. I say that financial ignorance is intentional because people who are smart with their money generally make for very poor consumers. I count myself among those who have very little knowledge of investing, and even less hands-on experience. I have recently learned how to save significant amounts of my earnings, but my knowledge of what to do with my cash ends there. I'm curious why something like money management isn't included as part of a basic education. I'd like to ask my teacher friends about that.
A future where net energy is declining every day will only exacerbate the predicament our parents face as they head into their retirement years. My guess is many of them will have to continue working in some form for far longer than they'd like. It's an ongoing trend in the U.S. where the majority of the jobs created since 2008 have been part time, and the employees are 55+ years of age. I imagine a very similar situation will occur here as well. I also foresee multi-generational homes becoming a common feature as our aging parents seek help that the government will no longer be able to afford due to decreasing surpluses, and because our generation will be one of the first to face widespread downward mobility. Yes, home prices will be depreciating over the next six to ten years, but in parallel with that we will see deflating wages and inflating prices on staple goods and services. It's going to be rough for all involved!
Completely unrelated to the topic of the post, I should note here that I've postponed my cross-country volunteering adventure until September. My time will be spent preparing for my journey and enjoying the company of family and friends. Next week I'll get into more detail about the skills and connections I'm developing before leaving.
Our parents are part of the baby boom generation and have lived through the most prosperous economic times in the history of the western world. Due to the implied social contract that exists, this generation, and generally any following it, fully expect a comfortable, well-to-do retirement that starts around the age of 60. 500,000 baby boomers will be entering this retirement age each year over the next decade or so, and many of these fully intend to tap into the equity of their real estate to fund their golden years in part or in whole. I think there's going to be a lot of disbelief and anger among this group of people for the failure of the social contract to hold up its end of the bargain. This isn't to say that our parents can be held blameless; they have their fair share of poor decisions made, albeit in the frame of a society that encouraged those kinds of choices.
Garth Turner, over at his blog www.greaterfool.ca, is convinced that the real estate market will tank, with the vagaries of regional circumstances affecting just how deep the asset deflation will end up being. Recent news certainly seems to support this viewpoint, and the wider perspective of macro economic performance in our nation and the world certainly cannot justify the meteoric rise of property value over the past decade. Canada, on average, is rated as one of the more unaffordable places to live and the size of our country and economy certainly can't be blamed for it. Rather, it seems speculation, cheap debt, and treating real estate as a primary investment source are the causes for the inflated prices we see now. The debt binge is over; it's hangover time.
I am by no means a financial guru, but I have learned quite a bit from the blogs I've been reading over the past year. It seems to me that having the ability to make smart decisions about wealth should be commonplace. I say that financial ignorance is intentional because people who are smart with their money generally make for very poor consumers. I count myself among those who have very little knowledge of investing, and even less hands-on experience. I have recently learned how to save significant amounts of my earnings, but my knowledge of what to do with my cash ends there. I'm curious why something like money management isn't included as part of a basic education. I'd like to ask my teacher friends about that.
A future where net energy is declining every day will only exacerbate the predicament our parents face as they head into their retirement years. My guess is many of them will have to continue working in some form for far longer than they'd like. It's an ongoing trend in the U.S. where the majority of the jobs created since 2008 have been part time, and the employees are 55+ years of age. I imagine a very similar situation will occur here as well. I also foresee multi-generational homes becoming a common feature as our aging parents seek help that the government will no longer be able to afford due to decreasing surpluses, and because our generation will be one of the first to face widespread downward mobility. Yes, home prices will be depreciating over the next six to ten years, but in parallel with that we will see deflating wages and inflating prices on staple goods and services. It's going to be rough for all involved!
Completely unrelated to the topic of the post, I should note here that I've postponed my cross-country volunteering adventure until September. My time will be spent preparing for my journey and enjoying the company of family and friends. Next week I'll get into more detail about the skills and connections I'm developing before leaving.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Happy Yule
Jesus H. Murphy, is it 2013 already? I'm so terribly happy that I didn't make any resolutions this year, especially ones about writing regularly on this blog. The daily journal I keep in the Real World (tm) has been my outlet for angst, agony and acrimony since September of last year. In all honesty though, it really isn't that bad. My life, I mean. In fact, I wanted to start the New Year right by speaking about gratitude, and how it's affected my life recently.
This evening I had the pleasure of showing my blog to a dear friend of mine, who was polite enough to not immediately close the browser window after reading the first paragraph. (Thank you!) Naturally I read along, and since it's been so long since I wrote those old posts I could look at them with fresh eyes. There were two central themes to the majority of those posts: thankfulness for experiences both new and old, and a terrible anxiety of what to do with myself.
To be thankful for the many wonderful things in my life is to be free of the need for more. I find it to be a universal truth of humanity that we all seek to increase, in whatever way each of us deem important. Whether that be through career, love, family or perhaps just material things, these are the ways we seek happiness. Learning gratitude frees us from the treadmill of acquisition. I believe this lesson, more than anything, is what's brought a true sense of happiness and balance to my life. I now have freedom to act from a purer source. My motivation is no longer based on the fear of not having or being enough.
I recently decided that I will quit my job early this year to volunteer at organic farms, homesteads and vineyards in various places around the world. I chose this because I will meet new people, acquire new skills and develop a more worldly perspective. This is my method of growth, because it moves me closer to my true self. It's a process of refinement that began almost a year ago: as I add to my life so too do I subtract those things that are not important to my core values. I have asked myself on several occasions why I would go to all this trouble to seek my true self if I am already happy. The reason goes beyond happiness. It has become a spiritual journey, one that I hope will increase my understanding of Truth. I am reminded of a poem by Rumi, who speaks of the development of the human soul:
The anxiety that I felt over choosing this career over that career, or living in this place as opposed to another is, for the most part, gone. I was chasing after an illusion because my true target is more meaningful than that. I am no longer so concerned about the exact destination I want to reach because I've finally internalized the lesson that the journey IS the destination. However, there still remains a deep-seated fear of social reprisal from those closest to me for choosing to let go of a sure thing like my current job. I have to remember that imagined phantoms are nearly always more frightening than the shadows that play in the real world. As the same friend who graciously read my blog said earlier today, "You want this, and those around you should (and will) respect your choices." Wise words.
As the New Year kicks off, I wish to maintain this sense of gratitude for all that I already have. The freedom gained from the humility of thankfulness is exactly what I needed to begin a journey that is motivated by greater and deeper things than fear and joy. Where will it take me? I don't know yet, but this blog will be the chronicle of my adventure.
This evening I had the pleasure of showing my blog to a dear friend of mine, who was polite enough to not immediately close the browser window after reading the first paragraph. (Thank you!) Naturally I read along, and since it's been so long since I wrote those old posts I could look at them with fresh eyes. There were two central themes to the majority of those posts: thankfulness for experiences both new and old, and a terrible anxiety of what to do with myself.
To be thankful for the many wonderful things in my life is to be free of the need for more. I find it to be a universal truth of humanity that we all seek to increase, in whatever way each of us deem important. Whether that be through career, love, family or perhaps just material things, these are the ways we seek happiness. Learning gratitude frees us from the treadmill of acquisition. I believe this lesson, more than anything, is what's brought a true sense of happiness and balance to my life. I now have freedom to act from a purer source. My motivation is no longer based on the fear of not having or being enough.
I recently decided that I will quit my job early this year to volunteer at organic farms, homesteads and vineyards in various places around the world. I chose this because I will meet new people, acquire new skills and develop a more worldly perspective. This is my method of growth, because it moves me closer to my true self. It's a process of refinement that began almost a year ago: as I add to my life so too do I subtract those things that are not important to my core values. I have asked myself on several occasions why I would go to all this trouble to seek my true self if I am already happy. The reason goes beyond happiness. It has become a spiritual journey, one that I hope will increase my understanding of Truth. I am reminded of a poem by Rumi, who speaks of the development of the human soul:
Little by little, wean yourself.
This is the gist of what I have to say.
From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,
move to an infant drinking milk,
to a child on solid food,
to a searcher after wisdom,
to a hunter of more invisible game.
The anxiety that I felt over choosing this career over that career, or living in this place as opposed to another is, for the most part, gone. I was chasing after an illusion because my true target is more meaningful than that. I am no longer so concerned about the exact destination I want to reach because I've finally internalized the lesson that the journey IS the destination. However, there still remains a deep-seated fear of social reprisal from those closest to me for choosing to let go of a sure thing like my current job. I have to remember that imagined phantoms are nearly always more frightening than the shadows that play in the real world. As the same friend who graciously read my blog said earlier today, "You want this, and those around you should (and will) respect your choices." Wise words.
As the New Year kicks off, I wish to maintain this sense of gratitude for all that I already have. The freedom gained from the humility of thankfulness is exactly what I needed to begin a journey that is motivated by greater and deeper things than fear and joy. Where will it take me? I don't know yet, but this blog will be the chronicle of my adventure.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Fear this
"Fear is the mind killer." - Frank Herbert.
The more I contemplate my life and the decisions I make now and have made in the past, the more I realize that fear controls me. For example, I could have the left the apartment to go to a pub or coffee shop in the off chance that I might get to socialize with people. I'm aware of the rationalizations now that I use to avoid situations that I'm afraid of. Truly the only way to get over fear's control over me is to face it. Where fear would dictate a particular course of action to avoid it, I must choose to act in spite of the fear. It's the only way to properly honour this incredible life I've been given.
I'm realizing more now than ever that I crave courageous action. This all falls in line with my recent discovery that I want to live an authentic and courageous life. I hate letting fear have so much control over me. The fears are numerous, and it may be I haven't identified them all yet. I'm going to allow myself that ignorance for the time being because I've already identified enough fears to conquer over a lifetime. The fears that bother me especially are the social fears: fear of rejection, primarily, and fear of failure. I don't like that feeling because it makes me feel trapped.
I must give myself some credit for the tiny baby steps I've made so far. Some things don't concern nearly as much as they used to. I acknowledge my progress, and am glad for it. At the same time I realize there is much more to my potential and I've only just started scratching the surface of the real life I want to lead. The key is to give myself permission to do the things I want to do.
The more I contemplate my life and the decisions I make now and have made in the past, the more I realize that fear controls me. For example, I could have the left the apartment to go to a pub or coffee shop in the off chance that I might get to socialize with people. I'm aware of the rationalizations now that I use to avoid situations that I'm afraid of. Truly the only way to get over fear's control over me is to face it. Where fear would dictate a particular course of action to avoid it, I must choose to act in spite of the fear. It's the only way to properly honour this incredible life I've been given.
I'm realizing more now than ever that I crave courageous action. This all falls in line with my recent discovery that I want to live an authentic and courageous life. I hate letting fear have so much control over me. The fears are numerous, and it may be I haven't identified them all yet. I'm going to allow myself that ignorance for the time being because I've already identified enough fears to conquer over a lifetime. The fears that bother me especially are the social fears: fear of rejection, primarily, and fear of failure. I don't like that feeling because it makes me feel trapped.
I must give myself some credit for the tiny baby steps I've made so far. Some things don't concern nearly as much as they used to. I acknowledge my progress, and am glad for it. At the same time I realize there is much more to my potential and I've only just started scratching the surface of the real life I want to lead. The key is to give myself permission to do the things I want to do.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Melancholy
Melancholy is a great way to describe my overall feelings as of late. The only escapes I have from it are when I'm exercising, when I'm out among nature, or when I'm with friends. When I exercise, the physical exertion burns the stress away and leaves me feeling good. When I'm strolling through the golden-leaved trees along the riverbank with the sun shining down on me and the geese, ducks, and squirrels, I feel balanced and normal. When I'm socializing with my friends, I am enjoying the moment and I can forget, for a time, the uncertain future. I think the feeling of melancholy is coming from trying to suss out the motivations for my actions.
Some psychologists believe that all motivations are fundamentally based on fear. It would seem that in my case, when considering my options, that holds true. I fear regret, self-loathing, and failure when I consider staying in my cozy, safe, and secure (for the time being) job with the government. I fear failure, success, and potential destitution when I consider a career in illustration. I fear that my motivations are fear-based when I consider blacksmithing as a vocation. I want to live my courageously but it seems everything I choose to do is based on fear. I'm certain I'm over-thinking all of this.
Since my return from the trip to Victoria, I've been floating in this dilemma about where to direct my efforts. It seems to bounce equally between wanting to be an illustrator or wanting to be a blacksmith. It isn't necessarily that my identity is tied up in either of these options, although I will admit that's part of it, but rather about trying to minimize the regret I'll feel in the future about the decisions I make now. I regret staying in this government job for so long. I regret not pursuing my illustration career more fully, and wasting time. I regret not pursuing my blacksmithing interests from years back. I see wasted time behind me. There's a big problem going forward, however, as the future will most likely be nothing like the life I've known so far. Big changes for the worse are on their way, despite the "best" efforts of the political and financial classes.
What I must accept, though, is that my life right now is the result of all the choices I've made in the past. I own that, and I bear full responsibility for that. It's comforting in a way because it gives the illusion of control over my own life. What I'm learning now, and it's a bitter lesson indeed, is that the wider world and its circumstances have a strong hand in how my life is shaped. If crises break out in the near future, the best I can ever expect of myself is to respond to them. So perhaps living courageously is to act despite the fear. In some situations, a person may be paralyzed into inaction because of fear, or may perhaps choose to simply ignore the source of his fear until it's in his face and will be ignored no longer. Perhaps courage is the ability to see and acknowledge the truth of a situation, no matter how terrifying it may be, and choosing to act to either minimize the pain, or to even take advantage of what opportunities may present themselves.
I've been working with the concept that courage means to act regardless of the situation. In this particular case it would be deciding to be an illustrator even if I knew ahead of time that it would be extremely difficult to earn any kind of living from it because of how the future is shaping up. I don't want to waste any more of my time on something that I won't end up using. Why is it a waste though? Wouldn't that time spent be valuable in some way? Wouldn't it lead to self-improvement, and time spent on something I really enjoy? I'm getting stuck on the end result again. The irony of it is that a life long pursuit like illustration has no end; I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. The same goes for any pursuit worth chasing.
The one certainty that I do feel at this time is that any time I spend at my government job is time wasted. I am not improving in my career, and I am not improving as a person. These are active choices on my part. I do not want to advance this part of my life any further. I want out, because my potential will never be fulfilled so long as I work here.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Regression
I feel like I've taken a big step backwards having gone back to work. It feels a bit like falling back asleep after experiencing full wakefulness. Work is stress free and simple, which is nice, in a dull, safe kind of way. The people I interact with on a frequent basis are great.
It was funny to me how my friend argued for how smart I am. What made me wonder about my life choices is his saying it's a shame I ended up working for the government because I could have done anything I wanted. The irony of it is that the vast number of choices I face make it very difficult to pick something and go with it. I ended up taking the option that was the easiest at the time: computer science. I would say generally that's how I've operated most of my life, barring some major examples. I really don't know what to do with myself, or whether I should do anything. I've been trying to figure out where my motivation comes from; whether it reflects my authentic self. Why do I feel the need to make something of myself beyond what I am now?
There is a big world out there that seems to be rapidly accelerating towards something that is nothing like what I've seen during my entire life. Settling into work, and the old routines, makes that uncertain future very hazy. It really does feel like falling asleep, my awareness being blunted by what I imagine is culture exposure. The people I associate with have an effect on my thinking, as much as I hate to admit it. So when the alternative news sites report about bigger and bigger things showing signs of reaching a breaking point, and when the people around me seem to be completely blind to it, it encourages me to also turn a blind eye to that bad news. It's simply easier to do so.
A great example of how my attitude is reverting is how I'm spending my free time. I'm back to collecting stuff, making things, and generally cluttering up my space again. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I really don't like what's happening to me. As I said at the very beginning, all this feels like a big step backwards. It feels like im losing all the great progress I've made over the past seven months. Except for the screen writing and filming with my good friend. That is great fun.
It seems to me, now that I'm back where I was in February, that I'm ready to jump once again into unemployment to pursue a nebulous career with skills I haven't yet developed during the least hospitable economic environment in decades. I mustn't forget that the reason why I dropped art during my break from work was to start preparing for the hard future that's coming. Sometimes it feels like I'm fooling myself, or pleading with myself, that if I were to get a break from work that it would totally be different this time. It isn't to say that I wouldn't try, but my main problem with art was that I couldn't see an end game with that route.
Assuming I acquire the skills that would allow me to make a living as an illustrator, what would my prospects look like? Anecdotal evidence of friends is revealing that the economy is tight and jobs are few and far between. These are people who have gone to college and received formal training. It would be a huge risk to leave my secure job to pursue an iffy career in illustration. I would more than likely end up working in an unrelated industry for a pittance, because my skills would be lacking in both computer programming and art. The logical conclusion then is to just stay put, keep my head down, and adapt as necessary.
And yet, and yet, I feel like I'm giving up on myself. I can't let this go. Leaving work was probably the bravest and most authentic thing I've done in ages (scary thinking of that). The reality is that there will never be a perfect time to move towards a more authentic life, pursuing the things that really matter to me. I must get over my obsession with attempting to divine the destination with whatever path I've taken. There are far too many variables outside of my control that will affect my life, and steer me in directions I haven't even dreamed of at this point. Absolutely it's the journey that matters. If I spend that journey playing it safe, keeping my head down, not reaching for those inconvenient, difficult, and awesome dreams, I know for a fact I'll feel like shit when I hit the end of that road. I'll feel for a life wasted.
Alternatively, I'll more than likely experience the lowest lows, and the highest highs on the road to authenticity. Nothing will be guaranteed. I will suffer loss and defeat, certainly, but I'll also feel elation and true joy knowing that I've chosen my path. That path will be hard, but when I've reached whatever end point that road leads me to, I know I'll be able to look back and realize that I've spent this life the best way I could: in service to who I really am.
It was funny to me how my friend argued for how smart I am. What made me wonder about my life choices is his saying it's a shame I ended up working for the government because I could have done anything I wanted. The irony of it is that the vast number of choices I face make it very difficult to pick something and go with it. I ended up taking the option that was the easiest at the time: computer science. I would say generally that's how I've operated most of my life, barring some major examples. I really don't know what to do with myself, or whether I should do anything. I've been trying to figure out where my motivation comes from; whether it reflects my authentic self. Why do I feel the need to make something of myself beyond what I am now?
There is a big world out there that seems to be rapidly accelerating towards something that is nothing like what I've seen during my entire life. Settling into work, and the old routines, makes that uncertain future very hazy. It really does feel like falling asleep, my awareness being blunted by what I imagine is culture exposure. The people I associate with have an effect on my thinking, as much as I hate to admit it. So when the alternative news sites report about bigger and bigger things showing signs of reaching a breaking point, and when the people around me seem to be completely blind to it, it encourages me to also turn a blind eye to that bad news. It's simply easier to do so.
A great example of how my attitude is reverting is how I'm spending my free time. I'm back to collecting stuff, making things, and generally cluttering up my space again. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I really don't like what's happening to me. As I said at the very beginning, all this feels like a big step backwards. It feels like im losing all the great progress I've made over the past seven months. Except for the screen writing and filming with my good friend. That is great fun.
It seems to me, now that I'm back where I was in February, that I'm ready to jump once again into unemployment to pursue a nebulous career with skills I haven't yet developed during the least hospitable economic environment in decades. I mustn't forget that the reason why I dropped art during my break from work was to start preparing for the hard future that's coming. Sometimes it feels like I'm fooling myself, or pleading with myself, that if I were to get a break from work that it would totally be different this time. It isn't to say that I wouldn't try, but my main problem with art was that I couldn't see an end game with that route.
Assuming I acquire the skills that would allow me to make a living as an illustrator, what would my prospects look like? Anecdotal evidence of friends is revealing that the economy is tight and jobs are few and far between. These are people who have gone to college and received formal training. It would be a huge risk to leave my secure job to pursue an iffy career in illustration. I would more than likely end up working in an unrelated industry for a pittance, because my skills would be lacking in both computer programming and art. The logical conclusion then is to just stay put, keep my head down, and adapt as necessary.
And yet, and yet, I feel like I'm giving up on myself. I can't let this go. Leaving work was probably the bravest and most authentic thing I've done in ages (scary thinking of that). The reality is that there will never be a perfect time to move towards a more authentic life, pursuing the things that really matter to me. I must get over my obsession with attempting to divine the destination with whatever path I've taken. There are far too many variables outside of my control that will affect my life, and steer me in directions I haven't even dreamed of at this point. Absolutely it's the journey that matters. If I spend that journey playing it safe, keeping my head down, not reaching for those inconvenient, difficult, and awesome dreams, I know for a fact I'll feel like shit when I hit the end of that road. I'll feel for a life wasted.
Alternatively, I'll more than likely experience the lowest lows, and the highest highs on the road to authenticity. Nothing will be guaranteed. I will suffer loss and defeat, certainly, but I'll also feel elation and true joy knowing that I've chosen my path. That path will be hard, but when I've reached whatever end point that road leads me to, I know I'll be able to look back and realize that I've spent this life the best way I could: in service to who I really am.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Slow Transition
I'm a perfectionist. It's not debilitating in any way, but it can get in the way of my success. Perfectionists have a tendency to believe that others achieve success easily. We see a successful person and mistakenly assume that that person reached that point with a minimum of effort and with a maximum of self-confidence. Meanwhile, the perfectionist feels he toils endlessly and inadequately at whatever he wishes to succeed at. It's a pretty deranged way of looking at the world, in all honesty. It trivializes the blood, sweat and tears that others put into their successes, while dramatizing the completely normal process of hard-god-damned-work when working towards a worthwhile goal.
There are other traits of perfectionism that I see in myself on occasion, procrastination being the most common of them. I didn't realize that the myopic view of success I described above was another trait that can be shared among perfectionists. It fits my current world view to a tee. It also explains a lot about my usual pattern of goal setting and goal dropping. It goes exactly like this:
I've identified the old behaviour pattern that just isn't working for me, in terms of pursuing long-term goals. Now what I need to do, if I want to change this pattern, is to interrupt the old behaviours and replace them with a new behaviour that will actually help me out. I think I can break this down at each of the steps listed above, like so:
I didn't do that, and ended up giving the ceremony to myself and my family's dog. Now, my first instinct was to beat myself up about this. What a failure you are, my mind would say. I wanted to berate myself and basically beat myself up because I didn't live up to this goal of mine. I fully acknowledge that I didn't catch my old behaviour and interrupt it. I realize, however, that this was a mistake I made on the path towards achieving my goal! Mistakes are ok, so long as I learn from them, and I have. The other HUGE realization I made is that I'm not going to achieve my goal in a matter of days! It's exactly like the perfectionist trait described at the beginning of this post. I was minimizing the amount of real, difficult work it takes to achieve something awesome. It's going to take years, lost of mistakes, and lots of successes too, to achieve that goal.
Old behaviours abound, and I must remain vigilant. It's going to take a long time to change my identity, but it can be done. I know I can do it, because I have interrupted old behaviours and replaced them with new ones already. It's just a matter of commitment and work now.
There are other traits of perfectionism that I see in myself on occasion, procrastination being the most common of them. I didn't realize that the myopic view of success I described above was another trait that can be shared among perfectionists. It fits my current world view to a tee. It also explains a lot about my usual pattern of goal setting and goal dropping. It goes exactly like this:
- I see someone do something awesome! If I'm the slightest bit interested in what that person is doing, then I want to do it too! I begin to imagine how awesome my life would be if I could just do what that someone is doing.
- I become very passionate about the subject. I pour a lot of money into these new interests, buying paraphernalia related to the awesome thing that I'll do. So awesome!
- I experiment! Hey wait a second, this is actually pretty tough and it's nothing like what that person I watched accomplished. My work is clearly not good enough. Interest begins to wane.
- Procrastination kicks in. Rather than put in the blood, sweat and tears required to even begin the journey towards awesome, I load up my web browser to read inspirational blogs, or try to psychoanalyze myself around the fact that I need to, you know, do actual work.
- Now that I've procrastinated, AND think that my work is shitty (in reality it's just beginner's product) I feel like crap and want to forget about the whole thing.
- I sit at my computer watching someone do that awesome thing over and over, surrounded by all the tools and books I'll ever need to make progress, and wish I could be that someone.
I've identified the old behaviour pattern that just isn't working for me, in terms of pursuing long-term goals. Now what I need to do, if I want to change this pattern, is to interrupt the old behaviours and replace them with a new behaviour that will actually help me out. I think I can break this down at each of the steps listed above, like so:
- I see someone do something awesome! I stop to think of the years of hard work it took them to get to the point they're at, and marvel at the sacrifices I'm sure they've made for their achievements.I think long and hard about whether what they're doing fits into my life, acknowledging that I will most likely have to give something up if I want to see any kind of success. I also stop to think that their life isn't necessarily any better than mine, and the ability to do "the awesome" like they do it won't necessarily improve the quality of my life. If, after this careful consideration, realizing my time is precious, I do decide I want to pursue this new goal, I then proceed to the next step. Otherwise, I learn to be content knowing that there are people out there that do amazing things everyday in their own way, including me, and that I don't have to do what they do to also feel good about my life.
- I ease myself into this new passion. I don't spend a lot of money or time on it to begin with. I get the bare minimum of what a novice of this awesome doing would need, and start with that.
- I dabble for a bit, and enjoy the process itself. I enjoy learning about something new, and slowly begin to delve deeper into this new, awesome thing I could possibly do. I put in my best effort whenever I'm working, and take pride in the process and the product. I'm learning! Wow, that's neat that I can sort of do this stuff. If I feel good about committing more of my precious time to this new passion, then I carry on. On the other hand, if I feel this isn't really adding to the quality of my life, I happily drop it and move on, knowing I've used up a minimum of my resources and time exploring that passion.
- Since I've allowed myself those three first steps, which are very different from the perfectionist list above, I don't feel bad about the time I've spent working on this new thing. I also get a great sense of satisfaction from what I've accomplished because, hey, I did it! I realize that I am just beginning what could very well be a lifelong journey, and that love of the process is the only thing that'll keep me going. I don't procrastinate because I like what I'm doing, and I'm not afraid to make mistakes. I realize mistakes are critical to true learning.
- At this point I've totally deviated from the previous list. I carry on with this new interest, checking out other people doing awesome work and get inspired, and work HARD. It's the only way to see real progress, and it feels good to work hard, to really earn all those little successes.
I didn't do that, and ended up giving the ceremony to myself and my family's dog. Now, my first instinct was to beat myself up about this. What a failure you are, my mind would say. I wanted to berate myself and basically beat myself up because I didn't live up to this goal of mine. I fully acknowledge that I didn't catch my old behaviour and interrupt it. I realize, however, that this was a mistake I made on the path towards achieving my goal! Mistakes are ok, so long as I learn from them, and I have. The other HUGE realization I made is that I'm not going to achieve my goal in a matter of days! It's exactly like the perfectionist trait described at the beginning of this post. I was minimizing the amount of real, difficult work it takes to achieve something awesome. It's going to take years, lost of mistakes, and lots of successes too, to achieve that goal.
Old behaviours abound, and I must remain vigilant. It's going to take a long time to change my identity, but it can be done. I know I can do it, because I have interrupted old behaviours and replaced them with new ones already. It's just a matter of commitment and work now.
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