This evening I had the pleasure of showing my blog to a dear friend of mine, who was polite enough to not immediately close the browser window after reading the first paragraph. (Thank you!) Naturally I read along, and since it's been so long since I wrote those old posts I could look at them with fresh eyes. There were two central themes to the majority of those posts: thankfulness for experiences both new and old, and a terrible anxiety of what to do with myself.
To be thankful for the many wonderful things in my life is to be free of the need for more. I find it to be a universal truth of humanity that we all seek to increase, in whatever way each of us deem important. Whether that be through career, love, family or perhaps just material things, these are the ways we seek happiness. Learning gratitude frees us from the treadmill of acquisition. I believe this lesson, more than anything, is what's brought a true sense of happiness and balance to my life. I now have freedom to act from a purer source. My motivation is no longer based on the fear of not having or being enough.
I recently decided that I will quit my job early this year to volunteer at organic farms, homesteads and vineyards in various places around the world. I chose this because I will meet new people, acquire new skills and develop a more worldly perspective. This is my method of growth, because it moves me closer to my true self. It's a process of refinement that began almost a year ago: as I add to my life so too do I subtract those things that are not important to my core values. I have asked myself on several occasions why I would go to all this trouble to seek my true self if I am already happy. The reason goes beyond happiness. It has become a spiritual journey, one that I hope will increase my understanding of Truth. I am reminded of a poem by Rumi, who speaks of the development of the human soul:
Little by little, wean yourself.
This is the gist of what I have to say.
From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,
move to an infant drinking milk,
to a child on solid food,
to a searcher after wisdom,
to a hunter of more invisible game.
The anxiety that I felt over choosing this career over that career, or living in this place as opposed to another is, for the most part, gone. I was chasing after an illusion because my true target is more meaningful than that. I am no longer so concerned about the exact destination I want to reach because I've finally internalized the lesson that the journey IS the destination. However, there still remains a deep-seated fear of social reprisal from those closest to me for choosing to let go of a sure thing like my current job. I have to remember that imagined phantoms are nearly always more frightening than the shadows that play in the real world. As the same friend who graciously read my blog said earlier today, "You want this, and those around you should (and will) respect your choices." Wise words.
As the New Year kicks off, I wish to maintain this sense of gratitude for all that I already have. The freedom gained from the humility of thankfulness is exactly what I needed to begin a journey that is motivated by greater and deeper things than fear and joy. Where will it take me? I don't know yet, but this blog will be the chronicle of my adventure.
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