I often wonder if I have the courage to make anything of myself in this life time. Since returning to Winnipeg from my little adventure in Victoria, I've been living a life primarily of inaction, paralyzed between my old life and the new one I was moving towards. This is the dilemma that I've been sitting in for months now, attempting to determine what direction I should go with my life.
I believe I was very close to a break through with "wwoofing," which is a program that allows volunteers to work on organic farms of all types in exchange for room, board and getting to know the farm family and its social circle. I know myself well enough to understand that full immersion is the best way to initiate and internalize change in my behaviours and thought patterns. That probably holds true for most people, I'd imagine.
Wwoofing is probably one of the best ways to see if I want live a life much simplified. The implication here is that I could hate that lifestyle, and that I'd come running back to the city and extend my current standard of living for as long as possible. I honestly don't think I'd react that way since I love the outdoors, the country, and growing food but there's no harm in trying it out to make sure.
It's for these reasons that I had made plans to go wwoofing this spring. My original intent was to quit my job, travel the world for a year as a "wwoofer," and then... I don't know. The uncertainty at the end didn't sit well with me because I wasn't sure what I'd do to earn a living, and it was definitely a factor in backing out of this adventure.
I contacted a vineyard in Summerland and heard back immediately from them. It sounded like a great place, and would be an amazing fit. It fulfilled my desires to work on an organic farm, to be back in the Okanagan (for reasons I'll get into in another post), and it would teach me employable vineyard skills. The family head seemed very friendly, and we would have made an excellent team. This wild plan of mine became very real when I told the SSOCC president and VP, and my boss, that this is what I was planning on doing. It was the discussion with my boss that turned things around, however.
My boss is very supportive, all things considered, and she definitely appreciates the work that I do. When I told her I was going to quit in March to go wwoofing for a year, she thought it was very cool, but she wanted to arrange a part time gig for me out in Summerland. She didn't want me to quit. This discussion all happened on a Thursday, and she wanted a few days to see if she could work something out before I handed her my resignation letter.
Here's the thing, though: I didn't want a part time position in Summerland. I didn't tell her that. I just went along with her plan, and then brooded over all of this for the rest of the day. Why didn't I speak up? It was because I was scared. Scared to lose my comfortable, secure job, scared to go on this crazy adventure, and scared of what I would do with myself after the year was up.
I started rationalizing with myself, thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't go wwoofing: family obligations, volunteering with SSOCC, giving up a perfectly good job, singing lessons, druidry work, brewing, etc. The list goes on and on. All of these things seemed so critical all of a sudden because I was very close to giving them all up for an experience of a lifetime. Well, all those things won out, in the end. I called my boss back the very next day, apologized for sounding like a crazy person, and chickened out.
At first, I convinced myself that I made the right decision. Family and community volunteering and personal development are all important to me, and it's far wiser to keep what I have than to let it all go, even if only temporarily. That's when the regret started creeping in, and along with it the realization that I had once again let fear intimidate me into inaction. What seemed so important when I was deciding what to do, wasn't all that important anymore. I am now committed to this dilemma for a little bit longer.
I have since informed the SSOCC president and VP that I will be around for the 2013 growing season, and that I want to join the board of members. This is all truth, and I must keep my word. I also have an illustration project that I need to finish by mid-February for a kid's magazine. It's a paid gig, or at least will be once the contract is signed and delivered, and it'll give me a taste of one of the other paths I've considered taking with my life.
September is the new "go" date. I've already informed the owner at the vineyard in Summerland of that. I have two options for work: a three month leave of absence, or flat out quitting. I want to quit. I've flirted with this option long enough, and it's long past time for me to move on to something more meaningful. I will feel that fear again when I tender my resignation, the fear of the unknown, the fear that I'm not good enough. That fear must be embraced, and action taken in spite of it, in order to overcome it and start believing that I can control my destiny.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Observations
I was at a party recently with people several years younger than me, and at one point in the evening the conversation moved to our parents' generation and the financial predicaments some of them are facing as they approach their retirement years. It was troubling to hear stories of real people who could be potentially facing a future that doesn't match the one promised to them by society at large, and it was fascinating that this discussion began at all given the age of the party goers. Issues included large amounts of debt, next to nothing saved or investments lost, and houses that have been leveraged to maintain a standard of living most Canadians consider to be typical.
Our parents are part of the baby boom generation and have lived through the most prosperous economic times in the history of the western world. Due to the implied social contract that exists, this generation, and generally any following it, fully expect a comfortable, well-to-do retirement that starts around the age of 60. 500,000 baby boomers will be entering this retirement age each year over the next decade or so, and many of these fully intend to tap into the equity of their real estate to fund their golden years in part or in whole. I think there's going to be a lot of disbelief and anger among this group of people for the failure of the social contract to hold up its end of the bargain. This isn't to say that our parents can be held blameless; they have their fair share of poor decisions made, albeit in the frame of a society that encouraged those kinds of choices.
Garth Turner, over at his blog www.greaterfool.ca, is convinced that the real estate market will tank, with the vagaries of regional circumstances affecting just how deep the asset deflation will end up being. Recent news certainly seems to support this viewpoint, and the wider perspective of macro economic performance in our nation and the world certainly cannot justify the meteoric rise of property value over the past decade. Canada, on average, is rated as one of the more unaffordable places to live and the size of our country and economy certainly can't be blamed for it. Rather, it seems speculation, cheap debt, and treating real estate as a primary investment source are the causes for the inflated prices we see now. The debt binge is over; it's hangover time.
I am by no means a financial guru, but I have learned quite a bit from the blogs I've been reading over the past year. It seems to me that having the ability to make smart decisions about wealth should be commonplace. I say that financial ignorance is intentional because people who are smart with their money generally make for very poor consumers. I count myself among those who have very little knowledge of investing, and even less hands-on experience. I have recently learned how to save significant amounts of my earnings, but my knowledge of what to do with my cash ends there. I'm curious why something like money management isn't included as part of a basic education. I'd like to ask my teacher friends about that.
A future where net energy is declining every day will only exacerbate the predicament our parents face as they head into their retirement years. My guess is many of them will have to continue working in some form for far longer than they'd like. It's an ongoing trend in the U.S. where the majority of the jobs created since 2008 have been part time, and the employees are 55+ years of age. I imagine a very similar situation will occur here as well. I also foresee multi-generational homes becoming a common feature as our aging parents seek help that the government will no longer be able to afford due to decreasing surpluses, and because our generation will be one of the first to face widespread downward mobility. Yes, home prices will be depreciating over the next six to ten years, but in parallel with that we will see deflating wages and inflating prices on staple goods and services. It's going to be rough for all involved!
Completely unrelated to the topic of the post, I should note here that I've postponed my cross-country volunteering adventure until September. My time will be spent preparing for my journey and enjoying the company of family and friends. Next week I'll get into more detail about the skills and connections I'm developing before leaving.
Our parents are part of the baby boom generation and have lived through the most prosperous economic times in the history of the western world. Due to the implied social contract that exists, this generation, and generally any following it, fully expect a comfortable, well-to-do retirement that starts around the age of 60. 500,000 baby boomers will be entering this retirement age each year over the next decade or so, and many of these fully intend to tap into the equity of their real estate to fund their golden years in part or in whole. I think there's going to be a lot of disbelief and anger among this group of people for the failure of the social contract to hold up its end of the bargain. This isn't to say that our parents can be held blameless; they have their fair share of poor decisions made, albeit in the frame of a society that encouraged those kinds of choices.
Garth Turner, over at his blog www.greaterfool.ca, is convinced that the real estate market will tank, with the vagaries of regional circumstances affecting just how deep the asset deflation will end up being. Recent news certainly seems to support this viewpoint, and the wider perspective of macro economic performance in our nation and the world certainly cannot justify the meteoric rise of property value over the past decade. Canada, on average, is rated as one of the more unaffordable places to live and the size of our country and economy certainly can't be blamed for it. Rather, it seems speculation, cheap debt, and treating real estate as a primary investment source are the causes for the inflated prices we see now. The debt binge is over; it's hangover time.
I am by no means a financial guru, but I have learned quite a bit from the blogs I've been reading over the past year. It seems to me that having the ability to make smart decisions about wealth should be commonplace. I say that financial ignorance is intentional because people who are smart with their money generally make for very poor consumers. I count myself among those who have very little knowledge of investing, and even less hands-on experience. I have recently learned how to save significant amounts of my earnings, but my knowledge of what to do with my cash ends there. I'm curious why something like money management isn't included as part of a basic education. I'd like to ask my teacher friends about that.
A future where net energy is declining every day will only exacerbate the predicament our parents face as they head into their retirement years. My guess is many of them will have to continue working in some form for far longer than they'd like. It's an ongoing trend in the U.S. where the majority of the jobs created since 2008 have been part time, and the employees are 55+ years of age. I imagine a very similar situation will occur here as well. I also foresee multi-generational homes becoming a common feature as our aging parents seek help that the government will no longer be able to afford due to decreasing surpluses, and because our generation will be one of the first to face widespread downward mobility. Yes, home prices will be depreciating over the next six to ten years, but in parallel with that we will see deflating wages and inflating prices on staple goods and services. It's going to be rough for all involved!
Completely unrelated to the topic of the post, I should note here that I've postponed my cross-country volunteering adventure until September. My time will be spent preparing for my journey and enjoying the company of family and friends. Next week I'll get into more detail about the skills and connections I'm developing before leaving.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Happy Yule
Jesus H. Murphy, is it 2013 already? I'm so terribly happy that I didn't make any resolutions this year, especially ones about writing regularly on this blog. The daily journal I keep in the Real World (tm) has been my outlet for angst, agony and acrimony since September of last year. In all honesty though, it really isn't that bad. My life, I mean. In fact, I wanted to start the New Year right by speaking about gratitude, and how it's affected my life recently.
This evening I had the pleasure of showing my blog to a dear friend of mine, who was polite enough to not immediately close the browser window after reading the first paragraph. (Thank you!) Naturally I read along, and since it's been so long since I wrote those old posts I could look at them with fresh eyes. There were two central themes to the majority of those posts: thankfulness for experiences both new and old, and a terrible anxiety of what to do with myself.
To be thankful for the many wonderful things in my life is to be free of the need for more. I find it to be a universal truth of humanity that we all seek to increase, in whatever way each of us deem important. Whether that be through career, love, family or perhaps just material things, these are the ways we seek happiness. Learning gratitude frees us from the treadmill of acquisition. I believe this lesson, more than anything, is what's brought a true sense of happiness and balance to my life. I now have freedom to act from a purer source. My motivation is no longer based on the fear of not having or being enough.
I recently decided that I will quit my job early this year to volunteer at organic farms, homesteads and vineyards in various places around the world. I chose this because I will meet new people, acquire new skills and develop a more worldly perspective. This is my method of growth, because it moves me closer to my true self. It's a process of refinement that began almost a year ago: as I add to my life so too do I subtract those things that are not important to my core values. I have asked myself on several occasions why I would go to all this trouble to seek my true self if I am already happy. The reason goes beyond happiness. It has become a spiritual journey, one that I hope will increase my understanding of Truth. I am reminded of a poem by Rumi, who speaks of the development of the human soul:
The anxiety that I felt over choosing this career over that career, or living in this place as opposed to another is, for the most part, gone. I was chasing after an illusion because my true target is more meaningful than that. I am no longer so concerned about the exact destination I want to reach because I've finally internalized the lesson that the journey IS the destination. However, there still remains a deep-seated fear of social reprisal from those closest to me for choosing to let go of a sure thing like my current job. I have to remember that imagined phantoms are nearly always more frightening than the shadows that play in the real world. As the same friend who graciously read my blog said earlier today, "You want this, and those around you should (and will) respect your choices." Wise words.
As the New Year kicks off, I wish to maintain this sense of gratitude for all that I already have. The freedom gained from the humility of thankfulness is exactly what I needed to begin a journey that is motivated by greater and deeper things than fear and joy. Where will it take me? I don't know yet, but this blog will be the chronicle of my adventure.
This evening I had the pleasure of showing my blog to a dear friend of mine, who was polite enough to not immediately close the browser window after reading the first paragraph. (Thank you!) Naturally I read along, and since it's been so long since I wrote those old posts I could look at them with fresh eyes. There were two central themes to the majority of those posts: thankfulness for experiences both new and old, and a terrible anxiety of what to do with myself.
To be thankful for the many wonderful things in my life is to be free of the need for more. I find it to be a universal truth of humanity that we all seek to increase, in whatever way each of us deem important. Whether that be through career, love, family or perhaps just material things, these are the ways we seek happiness. Learning gratitude frees us from the treadmill of acquisition. I believe this lesson, more than anything, is what's brought a true sense of happiness and balance to my life. I now have freedom to act from a purer source. My motivation is no longer based on the fear of not having or being enough.
I recently decided that I will quit my job early this year to volunteer at organic farms, homesteads and vineyards in various places around the world. I chose this because I will meet new people, acquire new skills and develop a more worldly perspective. This is my method of growth, because it moves me closer to my true self. It's a process of refinement that began almost a year ago: as I add to my life so too do I subtract those things that are not important to my core values. I have asked myself on several occasions why I would go to all this trouble to seek my true self if I am already happy. The reason goes beyond happiness. It has become a spiritual journey, one that I hope will increase my understanding of Truth. I am reminded of a poem by Rumi, who speaks of the development of the human soul:
Little by little, wean yourself.
This is the gist of what I have to say.
From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,
move to an infant drinking milk,
to a child on solid food,
to a searcher after wisdom,
to a hunter of more invisible game.
The anxiety that I felt over choosing this career over that career, or living in this place as opposed to another is, for the most part, gone. I was chasing after an illusion because my true target is more meaningful than that. I am no longer so concerned about the exact destination I want to reach because I've finally internalized the lesson that the journey IS the destination. However, there still remains a deep-seated fear of social reprisal from those closest to me for choosing to let go of a sure thing like my current job. I have to remember that imagined phantoms are nearly always more frightening than the shadows that play in the real world. As the same friend who graciously read my blog said earlier today, "You want this, and those around you should (and will) respect your choices." Wise words.
As the New Year kicks off, I wish to maintain this sense of gratitude for all that I already have. The freedom gained from the humility of thankfulness is exactly what I needed to begin a journey that is motivated by greater and deeper things than fear and joy. Where will it take me? I don't know yet, but this blog will be the chronicle of my adventure.
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