Regression

I feel like I've taken a big step backwards having gone back to work. It feels a bit like falling back asleep after experiencing full wakefulness. Work is stress free and simple, which is nice, in a dull, safe kind of way. The people I interact with on a frequent basis are great.

It was funny to me how my friend argued for how smart I am. What made me wonder about my life choices is his saying it's a shame I ended up working for the government because I could have done anything I wanted. The irony of it is that the vast number of choices I face make it very difficult to pick something and go with it. I ended up taking the option that was the easiest at the time: computer science. I would say generally that's how I've operated most of my life, barring some major examples. I really don't know what to do with myself, or whether I should do anything. I've been trying to figure out where my motivation comes from; whether it reflects my authentic self. Why do I feel the need to make something of myself beyond what I am now?

There is a big world out there that seems to be rapidly accelerating towards something that is nothing like what I've seen during my entire life. Settling into work, and the old routines, makes that uncertain future very hazy. It really does feel like falling asleep, my awareness being blunted by what I imagine is culture exposure. The people I associate with have an effect on my thinking, as much as I hate to admit it. So when the alternative news sites report about bigger and bigger things showing signs of reaching a breaking point, and when the people around me seem to be completely blind to it, it encourages me to also turn a blind eye to that bad news. It's simply easier to do so.



A great example of how my attitude is reverting is how I'm spending my free time. I'm back to collecting stuff, making things, and generally cluttering up my space again. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I really don't like what's happening to me. As I said at the very beginning, all this feels like a big step backwards. It feels like im losing all the great progress I've made over the past seven months. Except for the screen writing and filming with my good friend. That is great fun.

It seems to me, now that I'm back where I was in February, that I'm ready to jump once again into unemployment to pursue a nebulous career with skills I haven't yet developed during the least hospitable economic environment in decades. I mustn't forget that the reason why I dropped art during my break from work was to start preparing for the hard future that's coming. Sometimes it feels like I'm fooling myself, or pleading with myself, that if I were to get a break from work that it would totally be different this time. It isn't to say that I wouldn't try, but my main problem with art was that I couldn't see an end game with that route.

Assuming I acquire the skills that would allow me to make a living as an illustrator, what would my prospects look like? Anecdotal evidence of friends is revealing that the economy is tight and jobs are few and far between. These are people who have gone to college and received formal training. It would be a huge risk to leave my secure job to pursue an iffy career in illustration. I would more than likely end up working in an unrelated industry for a pittance, because my skills would be lacking in both computer programming and art. The logical conclusion then is to just stay put, keep my head down, and adapt as necessary.

And yet, and yet, I feel like I'm giving up on myself. I can't let this go. Leaving work was probably the bravest and most authentic thing I've done in ages (scary thinking of that). The reality is that there will never be a perfect time to move towards a more authentic life, pursuing the things that really matter to me. I must get over my obsession with attempting to divine the destination with whatever path I've taken. There are far too many variables outside of my control that will affect my life, and steer me in directions I haven't even dreamed of at this point. Absolutely it's the journey that matters. If I spend that journey playing it safe, keeping my head down, not reaching for those inconvenient, difficult, and awesome dreams, I know for a fact I'll feel like shit when I hit the end of that road. I'll feel for a life wasted.

Alternatively, I'll more than likely experience the lowest lows, and the highest highs on the road to authenticity. Nothing will be guaranteed. I will suffer loss and defeat, certainly, but I'll also feel elation and true joy knowing that I've chosen my path. That path will be hard, but when I've reached whatever end point that road leads me to, I know I'll be able to look back and realize that I've spent this life the best way I could: in service to who I really am.

Slow Transition

I'm a perfectionist. It's not debilitating in any way, but it can get in the way of my success. Perfectionists have a tendency to believe that others achieve success easily. We see a successful person and mistakenly assume that that person reached that point with a minimum of effort and with a maximum of self-confidence. Meanwhile, the perfectionist feels he toils endlessly and inadequately at whatever he wishes to succeed at. It's a pretty deranged way of looking at the world, in all honesty. It trivializes the blood, sweat and tears that others put into their successes, while dramatizing the completely normal process of hard-god-damned-work when working towards a worthwhile goal.

There are other traits of perfectionism that I see in myself on occasion, procrastination being the most common of them. I didn't realize that the myopic view of success I described above was another trait that can be shared among perfectionists. It fits my current world view to a tee. It also explains a lot about my usual pattern of goal setting and goal dropping. It goes exactly like this:

1. I see someone do something awesome! If I'm the slightest bit interested in what that person is doing, then I want to do it too! I begin to imagine how awesome my life would be if I could just do what that someone is doing.
2. I become very passionate about the subject. I pour a lot of money into these new interests, buying paraphernalia related to the awesome thing that I'll do. So awesome!
3. I experiment! Hey wait a second, this is actually pretty tough and it's nothing like what that person I watched accomplished. My work is clearly not good enough. Interest begins to wane.
4. Procrastination kicks in. Rather than put in the blood, sweat and tears required to even begin the journey towards awesome, I load up my web browser to read inspirational blogs, or try to psychoanalyze myself around the fact that I need to, you know, do actual work.
5. Now that I've procrastinated, AND think that my work is shitty (in reality it's just beginner's product) I feel like crap and want to forget about the whole thing.
6. I sit at my computer watching someone do that awesome thing over and over, surrounded by all the tools and books I'll ever need to make progress, and wish I could be that someone.

 What a friggin' self-realization! This pattern is so ingrained in me, that I didn't even realize I was doing it until right now. I'm 32 friggin' years old, and I just came around to this realization. But you know what? I'm not going to beat myself up about it. That's an old behaviour pattern, and the only way to change one's behaviour is to interrupt the old pattern and replace it with a new one. Eventually the brain finally figures out that things are changing, and seemingly out of nowhere, a new identity is formed! So I'm giving myself a big pat on the back, and a stout as a reward, for finally figuring out what the fuck I was doing to myself all these years. (The beer is chilling in the fridge right now).

I've identified the old behaviour pattern that just isn't working for me, in terms of pursuing long-term goals. Now what I need to do, if I want to change this pattern, is to interrupt the old behaviours and replace them with a new behaviour that will actually help me out. I think I can break this down at each of the steps listed above, like so:

1. I see someone do something awesome! I stop to think of the years of hard work it took them to get to the point they're at, and marvel at the sacrifices I'm sure they've made for their achievements.I think long and hard about whether what they're doing fits into my life, acknowledging that I will most likely have to give something up if I want to see any kind of success. I also stop to think that their life isn't necessarily any better than mine, and the ability to do "the awesome" like they do it won't necessarily improve the quality of my life. If, after this careful consideration, realizing my time is precious, I do decide I want to pursue this new goal, I then proceed to the next step. Otherwise, I learn to be content knowing that there are people out there that do amazing things everyday in their own way, including me, and that I don't have to do what they do to also feel good about my life.
2. I ease myself into this new passion. I don't spend a lot of money or time on it to begin with. I get the bare minimum of what a novice of this awesome doing would need, and start with that.
3. I dabble for a bit, and enjoy the process itself. I enjoy learning about something new, and slowly begin to delve deeper into this new, awesome thing I could possibly do. I put in my best effort whenever I'm working, and take pride in the process and the product. I'm learning! Wow, that's neat that I can sort of do this stuff. If I feel good about committing more of my precious time to this new passion, then I carry on. On the other hand, if I feel this isn't really adding to the quality of my life, I happily drop it and move on, knowing I've used up a minimum of my resources and time exploring that passion.
4. Since I've allowed myself those three first steps, which are very different from the perfectionist list above, I don't feel bad about the time I've spent working on this new thing. I also get a great sense of satisfaction from what I've accomplished because, hey, I did it! I realize that I am just beginning what could very well be a lifelong journey, and that love of the process is the only thing that'll keep me going. I don't procrastinate because I like what I'm doing, and I'm not afraid to make mistakes. I realize mistakes are critical to true learning.
5. At this point I've totally deviated from the previous list. I carry on with this new interest, checking out other people doing awesome work and get inspired, and work HARD. It's the only way to see real progress, and it feels good to work hard, to really earn all those little successes.

What brought this whole self-realization thing about was my post yesterday. My goal, "I am going to be an alpha," is something that I feel strongly will improve the quality of my life. One of the qualities of an alpha is that he doesn't care what other people think of him. This inspired me to put together a Druid funeral ceremony for the informal family get-together we had this evening in honour of my recently deceased uncle. My first mistake was asking permission from my brothers about whether I could use the ceremony. In my mind's eye I picture the alpha calling everyone's attention to the fact that he had prepared something to honour Jamie's memory, and would have delivered the funeral speech, just like that.

I didn't do that, and ended up giving the ceremony to myself and my family's dog. Now, my first instinct was to beat myself up about this. What a failure you are, my mind would say. I wanted to berate myself and basically beat myself up because I didn't live up to this goal of mine. I fully acknowledge that I didn't catch my old behaviour and interrupt it. I realize, however, that this was a mistake I made on the path towards achieving my goal! Mistakes are ok, so long as I learn from them, and I have. The other HUGE realization I made is that I'm not going to achieve my goal in a matter of days! It's exactly like the perfectionist trait described at the beginning of this post. I was minimizing the amount of real, difficult work it takes to achieve something awesome. It's going to take years, lost of mistakes, and lots of successes too, to achieve that goal.

 Old behaviours abound, and I must remain vigilant. It's going to take a long time to change my identity, but it can be done. I know I can do it, because I have interrupted old behaviours and replaced them with new ones already. It's just a matter of commitment and work now.

Back in the 'peg

Got a new project I want to work on. I have my goal defined, now it's just a matter of changing my behaviour consistently enough until my mind starts believing it.

My goal: I am going to be an alpha.

That is all.

Victoria - Seventh Day Posting

Second last day here on the island. It's been a good trip, and I've done a lot of soul searching during my visit. Some things I thought I was certain about (horticulture, moving to B.C.), I'm not so certain of anymore. Other ideas have popped into my head. It seems I'm always chasing something. I recognize the feeling; it's like I always need to be progressing towards something, rather than just being happy as I am right now. That could very well be why all these "dreams" of mine turn out to be phantoms in the end. In the process of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, as I always seem to be doing, I came across a very timely blog post from Paid to Exist about discovering one's passion and making a living from it:

Most of us, after endeavoring on such an exploratory mission, will expect a very clear and concrete answer. We anticipate a Magic 8 Ball to miraculously tell us that “Your future lies in 18th century cast iron welding.”

Not only do we expect immediate specificity, we expect angels to burst from the heavens and our heart to light up in a blaze of glory at our reunion with what we love.

And to make matters worse, we dismiss any answer or clue that isn’t incredibly specific or doesn’t incite tremors of enthusiasm. The problem is that we expect the fruits of our labor before we’ve toiled in the field.

This is a mistake. Our path will never become completely clear until we start walking it. And we will never be fully excited until we are knees-deep in the work.

 So my problem is expecting the immediate specificity of what I should do, as well as expecting an immediate return on my initial forays into any given venture. It is rather immature, to be completely honest. I had never realized just how silly my frame of mind was on the whole issue of pursuing a passion. In addition to all this, I usually quit early on or even before starting because I didn't have complete information right from the get go.

I'm the type of person who likes to know as much as possible about a decision before the decision is made. I am risk averse, so I feel I need to know what the pay offs will be for the time and effort I expend. This obviously results in analysis paralysis; I spend all my time trying to get as much info about a given decision, and if it looks like I'm unable to map out the process from start to finish knowing with near 100% certainty how it'll turn out, I'll avoid it. I don't like having unanswered questions in my analysis.

So I'm basically back at square one (again) trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself. I just realized that when I'm moving backwards with my lifestyle, it's because I want to move back to those things society deems as secure: the cubicle job, the family, the house, the wife, the kids, etc. And the reason why I gravitate towards those supposed sources of security is because I'm scared to take the leap and live my life my way. So really, all it's going to take is a little courage, and a lot of patience.

Victoria - day 6

Spent a few hours today at the BC Royal Museum. They had a large exhibit on dinosaurs, as well as historical and ecological info about the province. It was a great visit. I treated myself to sushi for dinner; the fish is so fresh here! I also stopped by Solstice Cafe for an hour or so to have my green tea and read some more of The Druidry Handbook. I wanted to see if Druid spirituality dealt with grieving, or saying goodbye to loved ones. I didn't find anything, but I think the book I have is more of a cursory introduction to Druidry, rather than a comprehensive tome.

I've been spending my evenings watching podcasts of D&D being played. It's really got me itching to play again, and I want to get back home where I can start producing some material. I'm also looking forward to working on the D&D episodes that my friend and I are writing and producing. It'll be good to be back with them to continue that project.

Visiting Victoria has been a great experience, especially since I've done it on my own. There is a lot of freedom that comes with travelling alone. I like that a lot. Right now, I feel very unsettled. It's as though I'm hovering in a no-man's land between my old life and the new one that I'm settling in to. Part of the problem, of course, is that I'm living out of a hotel while I'm here. I would certainly feel a lot better if I had a place I could call home. I have met some people that could be friends in the future, but for now it's all very tentative. I love the climate here, and the natural beauty is beyond compare. What I need most is some stability in my choices: where I want to live, who I want to associate with, what I want to do for a living and what I want to belief spiritually.

As I said at the beginning of this blog, my values are evolving. Hell, even my willpower is improving. I had a sudden craving for ice cream late at night, and I was tempted to head down to the local grocery store to pick up a pint and basically pig out on it. I was just about to head out the door when I stopped myself. I turned around, sat back down at the desk, and started some writing. I found the craving had subsided. Now that's a neat feeling; having that kind of control over my impulses.

I'm standing up for myself, finally. I had an issue with a good friend of mine over an extra being used in our film. This extra has treated me poorly in the past, embarrassed me in front of my friends, and violated my physical space. I told my friend that I didn't want this extra in our film because I was uncomfortable around him. My friend responded, understood my plight, but asked that I give him a chance for the sake of the film. I understood where my friend was coming from, and truly, this extra is harmless when he is sober and not goaded on by his retarded friends. I let my friend know that I would give the extra one chance, and if that he did anything that I was uncomfortable with that I'd leave immediately! I've NEVER done anything like that before! The crazy thing is that my friend didn't flip out. He totally understood and supported me. I've been laboring under some very wrong pretenses my whole life. It felt sooooo good to actually speak my mind and stand up for myself.

 There's been a lot of personal growth lately. I think it's a little disorienting. What I have learned from this trip is that I crave fellowship, I love to create, and I want to help others. I always knew that I loved being in natural surroundings in B.C., and this little adventure has confirmed that. However, when I think of reasons why I want to leave Winnipeg, it basically comes down to weather. If the winters weren't so miserable, I think I'd be quite happy to stay there. There are strong family and friend ties there. I've just started establish community roots as well with the volunteer work I did this year. I know I could make new friends wherever I chose to move, but I'm just not sure if I want to go through all of that. Something I need to be careful of is expecting a move to Victoria would fix all the little "problems" I think I have in my life. Things like low self-esteem, lack of confidence, fear of acting boldly, and standing up for myself are all the big ones. These are all issues that will follow me wherever I go. Everyone deals with them to some degree. I just have to realize that moving isn't a panacea. That being said, the experience of moving and setting up somewhere far from what's normal and comfortable can definitely help overcome some, if not all, of the aforementioned issues. There is much to be said about pushing oneself out the comfort zone. It's concrete proof that I could handle a difficult situation, that I could make it on my own. I think perhaps just for the sake of getting that experience, that moving is a worthwhile venture.

Oh! I've been giving some thought that perhaps moving south of the border might be a very interesting adventure. I'm thinking specifically of Seattle... If I were to move there, I'd have to definitely brush up on my employable skills. I'm sure that would throw everybody off. Heh.

Victoria - Day 4 and 5

Over the past couple of days I've met some very interesting people. People who I can speak candidly with about the de-industrial world we're all headed for. It feels great to be able to speak of these things without having to worry about being attacked. I've also surprised myself with the amount of information I've collected over the past six months or so. I am ready to be an active part of the transition movement.

I also went to the Anarchist Book Fair today, not knowing what to expect, exactly. I stumbled into a two hour presentation on activist filming that was put together by a long time activist and film maker. It opened my eyes to a group of people that I'd always marginalized in the past. I always assumed activists were yokels and crazies. I find I'm identifying with them more and more. One major disagreement I have with activist movements in general is that they are focused too much on trying to change other people's behaviour. I fall firmly in the camp of John Michael Greer's concept that activism must be done at the personal level. I must change my behaviour before I can expect, never mind demand, that others change their lives too.

Today I ran across a homeless man just outside a liquor store. He greeted me, and I didn't hesitate to put three quarters into his palm. He was very polite about it, thanked me kindly, and I went on my way. There is a lot of compassion and empathy within me that I'm really starting to tap in to. On my way back to the hotel, I thought about my decision to go back to work in Winnipeg, and how I would be wasting my time there, exchanging my precious hours for a pay cheque. I thought that if I lived humbly, the money I have saved up from selling my house could support me for many years. I could finally listen to my fucking heart for once instead of my head and do something truly worth while. I often question the use of earning more money from a job I hate, since money is more than likely going to go through some pretty drastic changes in the near future. I don't want to throw another year's worth of work time away into that soulless, God-forsaken office.

R.I.P., uncle. Your soul is free to find its way to the realm beyond.

Victoria, day the third

It's been another wonderful day on the island. I got a bit of a late start today (heading out at about 10:00 am) and went to the local Thrifty's grocery store to buy some smoked salmon and yogurt for breakfast and lunch. I took my food and biked down to Beacon Hill to eat among the trees and the gardens. As I was leaving, I stopped to ask directions from a young woman who was also eating her late breakfast/early lunch in the park. We got to talking about how I'm considering moving to the island. I've found, overall, that the people here are quite friendly and approachable. It's an encouraging sign.

I hopped on my bike and decided to follow the scenic sea route that traces the southern tip of the island, heading east towards Oak Bay. I stopped occasionally at the beaches along the way, checking them out to see how they all compare with one another. They're all great, really. It's nothing but pure blue sky here and bright sun shining on sand and pebble shorelines with all sorts of driftwood.

I took a break to snack on some salmon and water after reaching a marina that was located just north of a large, and very busy, golf course. It was funny, actually, watching a dozen geriatric golfers wend their way through the manicured course. I suppose they'd retire the clubhouse, or one of the very nice houses nearby for a light lunch, followed by t.v. and a nap, perhaps. During my break, I received a call from my landlord, wondering why I hadn't submitted a renewal form for my apartment. It was due on August 30th... whoops! Totally forgot about it. I'm going to try and get the issue resolved before I fly back to Winnipeg, but I've been assured that I won't return to find that they've rented my apartment to someone else. I'm glad I got in good with the management there.

After my short break, I decided to visit Oak Bay Village, the kind of quaint shopping mecca that one could find in Banff, or any main strip of a small tourist town. I decided on this route as well because Oak Bay Ave turns into Pandora, and Solstice Cafe is on Pandora. I wanted to stop in there for some tea. More on that later. The strange thing about coming to the village is that there was really nothing for me there. Now that I'm done with mindless consuming, it essentially negates the need to visit 99% of the stores out there. I did stop in a bookstore to see what they had. Unfortunately, it only sold new copies of books, and I've seemingly turned into a reverse snob where I'm only really interested in buying used. I will make exceptions for books that I really, really want and can't be found "pre-loved."

I stopped for about an hour in the village, sitting under an oak tree in a small piece of green lawn in front of some bureaucratic building. I ate my lunch, and then read another chapter from The Druidry Handbook. This chapter was about the rituals Druids are encouraged to perform during the solstices and equinoxes of the year. I have quite a bit of experience with rituals, having practiced the Golden Dawn rituals every day for over two months now. How it's described in the book is that rituals are a type of performing art, and when executed proficiently, can evoke some pretty profound emotions and feelings in the participants. It's much like a poem that gets to the heart of the reader, and can sometimes encourage a shift in thinking and perception. The opening and closing ceremonies are very interesting to me, especially the part about the sword! Ha!

I packed my stuff up and rode down to Solstice Cafe. I ordered the same drink I got yesterday, green tea, and sat down with my book The Long Descent. I like reading there because there is lots going in the cafe and it lets me people watch when I need to take a quick break from the book. There are some very cute ladies that work at the cafe. I complimented one on her cowboy boots; they really were nice boots. I've noticed that my perceptions have definitely shifted over the past year, because when she told me she got them at Value Village I didn't bat an eyelash. In fact, it made sense to me! A year ago I would have judged harshly for that. In any case, it was a friendly chat and I want to get into practice with that again. I'm not actively looking for "someone." I just want to be comfortable talking to people, whether they be close friends, or strangers I happen to run across at the park.

I spent the afternoon at the same beach I was at yesterday. It was much busier today, I think perhaps because it's Friday. Lots of families, and couples, and groups of friends. I went down without phone or book this time. I wanted to enjoy the chilly surf, the sun-baked pebbles and the bright blue sky. After baking for a bit I decided it was time I wade into the water to cool down a bit, and give my face and chest a break from the sun. I waded in, turned around, and laughed out loud when I saw "FUCK HARPER" written in huge black letters on the sea wall. Apparently someone was disgruntled. I couldn't help but recall a quote from Gandhi  that I read in The Long Descent and that was "Be the change you want to see in the world." It's a very powerful message, and one that I agree with a great deal. I wandered up to the wall, and noticed that some of the driftwood was charred. I found a good sized chunk of charcoal, walked up to the wall foundation below "F-Harper" and scrawled "Be the change."

Earlier in the day I decided to take my new Victorian friend's advice and go to a restaurant at James Bay Square that served excellent mussels. I'm glad I went! I love the seafood here: local, fresh and delicious. I flirted a bit with my server, too, and again got to talking about where I was from and why I was in Victoria. Thinking back on it now, it's amazing that I actually talked to three female strangers all in one day. There was a point not too long ago where I would have frozen up at just the thought of speaking to a woman I didn't know. I'm taking the easy route here, to an extent, because I did strike up conversation with a couple of people who job it is to be sociable. I give myself full points for approaching the woman in the park, however.

After dinner, I headed back to the hotel for my jacket. I was going to wander about Wharf St to see Victoria in its nightly splendor. I also wanted to get a bit of a feel for what the town was like after the sun went down. Outside the hotel I'm staying at, I walked by three men who were having a smoke in the parking lot. The entire encounter is a bit of a blur in my mind, so some of the details may be missing. In any case, one of the guys said "hey there, big guy. What's up? What's going on?" I replied with some nonchalant response, and feeling friendly, asked them if they came to the James Bay pub often. That's when things got weird. The same one who had hailed me said something about them being there all the time, then all of a sudden added "you're cute as fuck." I was smiling from the conversation, and I think the expression froze on my face. Sure, in a way, it's flattering, but now all I was thinking was that I wanted to leave. I definitely knew I wanted to leave when I thought I heard the words "prison bitch" and "bar of soap." That's when I said "no thanks" and promptly left. The three continued chatting and chuckling after I left. I felt vulnerable and threatened after I had a few moments to process what had happened. I regretted telling them I was staying at the hotel here, and I was tempted to just lock myself in my room and wait until the safety of sunlight before venturing out again. I didn't give in to my fear, however. I didn't let one strange encounter scare me from enjoying my evening as I had planned. I went out.

I know to some that none of this would be a big deal, but to me it was. I was quite shaken up, my confidence especially. I started wondering if I should learn some way of protecting myself, or if I should start to learn something about street smarts and knowing how to deal with people like the three in the parking lot. They intimidated me, and I was ready to act from fear as I had always done in the past. This time was different though. I shook it off, and headed out. I ignored the emotional reactions, realizing that it's impossible to know everything, and that I will always be vulnerable to something. I cannot make myself immune to harm and danger. That would hardly be a life worth living, in any case. Always working from a position of fear, trying to minimize the danger and pain, never really dedicating my short time in this life to the things that I want to pursue.

So I went out, watched a couple of buskers, marveled at the pretty lights of the downtown area, and then headed back to the hotel. I noticed today that I was keenly aware of my being alone. This is a feeling I must learn to be ok with. I mean truly ok. I had a bit of an anxious feeling as I went for dinner and to explore the city at night, but I decided to not let that feeling control me, and everything turned out alright. I think, after three decades, I'm finally starting to get some control over my emotional reactions. I choose how I act, I don't let my immediate emotional reactions decide for me. It's liberating, ironically enough.

Wow these posts are long. I'm beginning to realize these blog posts are essentially ideal candidates for a LiveJournal site. Oh well. I'm here to share my thoughts openly, because they're worth sharing.

Victoria - Day 2

Another lovely, and lively, day in the Pacific Northwest. After my morning meditation and a quick snack of ginger granola and fruit, I packed a couple books and snacks into my backpack and headed out to the nearby Beaconhill Park to check it out. It's a lovely park; one of the nicest I've been to, and it's quite large. I wandered about until I came to a willow tree by the edge of a large pond. Sitting down at the bench nearby, I soaked in the environment. Peaceful, and beautiful it was with the sun shining bright in the sky. This day was shaping up to be much more relaxing than the first. After a time my mind turned to a couple events that I had planned for later in the day.

After my biking adventure to Royal Roads University, I decided I would bus there today. I was to meet the leader of the horticulture program at noon to get some information, have a look at their learning environment, and possibly speak to some of the students. There I was, sitting on the bench, surrounded by ducks, geese and peacocks (nearly close enough to touch), when I realized that I didn't want to pursue a career in horticulture. Gardening is good, and learning to grow my own food is even better, but I concluded that I didn't want my full time job to be tending to parks or gardens or greenhouses.

My goal over the past six months has been two-fold: find a career I love, and make sure that career is viable in a low energy future. I went on a sabbatical in February of this year with the intent of becoming an illustrator. Two months in, after discovering blogs like Zero Hedge, Peak Prosperity, The Archdruid Report, and others, I realized that spending the next year on art was going to be a mistake, and a waste of time and money. The kind of future I'm expecting will have little room for luxuries like art for art's sake, and trying to make a livelihood from it would be next to impossible. That's when I began my search for a trade skill to learn. I thought I had found the answer in horticulture, but I was wrong. The thought of going to the school and speaking to the horticulture program leader didn't excite me one bit.

Faced with the conundrum of what I should for work, I turned to The Druidry Handbook for some inspiration. I should state now that the option of staying where I am doesn't sit well with me. I'm a federal employee working in the I.T. field, and aside from the job being unsustainable, I find it sucks the life out of me. I only stick around for the salary and the benefits. I want my time to be spent on far more productive and meaningful activities. Reading the handbook wasn't all that helpful for resolving my issues in the short term. All options would either require years of learning before any money could be made. I needed something quicker than that, simply because the decline into a deindustrial future is going to be a slow, drawn out process.

That's when a man, in his late thirties, came walking up with his bicycle and young daughter in tow. He stopped to greet me and said, "what's the good word?" I was confused, and I suppose my face reflected that because he followed up with "what are you reading?" Having decided that I wouldn't hide my true self any more, I told him flat out that I was reading The Druidry Handbook to learn more about nature spirituality and  sustainability. He was totally on board with my message. We got to talking about the environment, caring for it, and local volunteer groups like the Sierra Club. He had recently applied for a job with them. After the short chat, he moved on and wished me luck. I did likewise, and couldn't help but think how amazing this city  and its people are. These are my people.

Turning back to my little crisis of my work identity, I put the book down and let my subconscious work on the issue for a bit. I watched the ducks sun themselves on the far side of the pond, and the geese peck away at the green lawn as the gears in my mind churned. Another person wandered by; this time it was a young woman with a fancy camera. I had seen her earlier in the park taking pictures of the ducks and peacocks. I told her I had spotted what I believed to be a falcon in one of the nearby trees. She was off right away to get some pictures. All these little encounters with the people here give me hope that moving here would be an amazing vehicle for my personal growth, simply because it would help me get out of old habits. I began to wonder about her motivations: was the photography a hobby, part of an education or a career? Followed by the thought that if she knew what was coming like I did, then she wouldn't waste her time chasing birds with her camera. That's when the insight hit me; it doesn't matter what she does as long as she's happy doing it.

I was so ready to sacrifice what I loved doing because I wanted to be prepared for tough times, while having already admitted to myself that the transition to a low energy, deindustrial future was going to be a drawn out, decades-long process. So why couldn't I pursue a career in art, so long as I made time for preparing in other ways? Even better: what if I were to combine my desire to produce art with a practical trade skill like woodworking? I could learn a valuable trade skill, and express my creativity and blossoming druidry all at the same time. Woodworking is enjoyable, it would allow me to work with my hands, and I could create! I am letting the idea percolate in my brain.

All of this happened in the morning. Later on, I explored the park more thoroughly. Everything was on foot today; I had had enough of biking for the time being. I decided then to wander up to Victoria's downtown area to get a feel for the lunch time crowd, and to check out some of their book stores. The area didn't disappoint. If anything, it felt like an expanded and wealthier version of Osborne village, my eclectic neighbourhood in Winnipeg. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I'll be back there again three days from now to check out the farmer's market, and to sit in on the next Transition Victoria meet up at Solstice Cafe.

The afternoon was a lazy affair. I came home to cool down a bit from all the sun and walking. I changed into some shorts and a tee, and headed down to the closest beach. It was about a ten minute walk from my hotel. Again, I was stunned by the beauty of this place. In fact, I was feeling guilty that I could derive so much pleasure from this place! The mountain vistas, the crystal clear water, the bright blue sky... I think the guilt was born from my willingness to leave my family and friends behind to enjoy the overwhelming, natural beauty of the island. I thought the Okanagan Valley was a lovely place, but it's nothing compared to here.

In the evening I met up with a fellow reader of the Peak Prosperity web site who lives in Victoria. We talked about the uncertain future we all face, what actions we'd taken thus far to prepare for it, and just generally enjoyed the fact that we could sit down and chat with another person face-to-face about these issues without having the other person shut down out of fear or denial. It was a great experience, and I hope I can meet more like-minded individuals. We will be meeting up again on the weekend so that my compatriot can show me around the island. I didn't rent a car so my mobility is somewhat limited. I would like to see what some of the outlying regions look like.

My gosh, it's late! I can't believe this is only my second day here. It's been a whirlwind of exploration and outreach. So far, so good.

Victoria, Day 1

Holy hell. Riding a bicycle in the mountains, even in a place as "flat" as Victoria, is vastly different from the prairies. I rode the Galloping Goose Regional Trail from downtown to the Royal Roads University. The trail is about 15 km total, and it took me about 55 minutes to bike it. The trail itself is great: smooth, paved, and lots of room for bikes and pedestrians. There are some especially beautiful parts too that made me feel like I was out in the wilderness rather than riding parallel to the Trans Canada Highway. What was especially eye opening about the whole experience was how quickly everyone biked. I couldn't believe the pace these people could go at, especially with all the hills. I'd be at the lowest (or highest?) gear ratio, pedaling like a madman and moving inches. Seemed that way, at the very least. I did stick it through and reached my destination.

The Royal Roads university campus seems quite new, excepting the horticulture and greenhouse area. It was set amid giant conifers, which was quite the sight. I couldn't help but wonder how anything could grow in that soil, however. It must be highly acidic from all the needles that fall. I meant to ride out there again tomorrow to meet up with the program leader but after today's little adventure I've decided I'll bus it.

It was a little strange being there among university-aged people. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking steps backwards in order to try to move forward with my life. I am glad that I've come out here for the week. It'll be a good test to see if I'm ready to leave my family and friends behind. At times I feel my resolve slipping, as though I wish I could put the blindfold on again and "unsee" the evidence that points to a post-industrial future. It would be like the old days where I plug away at my job, spending money with no real concern for the future, assuming things will carry on as it's always been, indefinitely. I know that this can't be the case ever again, and I think being in Victoria on my own, actually exploring a move here and connecting with others who have seen what I've seen and have come to the same conclusion, frightens me. It makes the uncertainty of the future real. I kind of want to close my eyes and pretend it'll all be ok. I think this will be my way of growing up.

The ride back from the university felt much faster than on the way out, as it always does when exploring new territory. This adventure was good for me; it taught me I am capable of setting my mind to a not-so-easy thing and seeing it through. There were a couple times where I was sorely tempted to just turn right around and bolt for the safety of my hotel room; but I carried on. I knew it would make any future journey that much easier. I couldn't help but parallel the experience to what's described in the exploration of the Qabalistic Tree of Life (see Golden Dawn traditions for details on that). The destination is vaguely known, and the path is somewhat set, but until one actually sets out to discover that path on his own, it will always remain a mystery. I'm proud of myself that I went through with it. I was certain I could have gotten lost several times during that ride but I managed.

Today's been an interesting day, all told. I think it's time for me to get some sleep. I've been up for over 18 hours now and I didn't sleep well at all last night. I'm hoping the 30+ kilometers of biking I've done today will help me fall asleep right away.

Travels

I have all my stuff together for a week-long trip to Victoria, British Columbia. I'm making this trip for a number of reasons, all of which are related to how I see me living my life in the not too distant future. Here's the short hand version:

• very mild climate;
• fertile soil and year-long growing season;
• opportunity to tele-work to ease the transition;
• smaller community that has active groups focused on transition to a lower energy future and sustainability;
• schooling to help me develop my green thumb;
• I love B.C.

That last point may not factor into the rational side of decision making but I truly do feel drawn to that province. In some ways it's inexplicable but the beauty of it, and the energy that I feel when I'm out there draws me to it. How I see my future playing out requires that I be in a place that isn't so harsh for six months of year to make life just that little bit easier to deal with.

I contacted a like-minded person earlier in the week who currently lives in Victoria to ask about the city. She is convinced, as I am, that our future will be very different from the recent past. So, I've yet to move to a place where I can fully embrace my new identity and already I'm encountering people with whom I can have honest, frank discussions instead of the blank stares I get from my current social circle. I admit, there are people here who are proactively dealing with industrial society's end, and I have met and worked with them. They're good people, but it's heartening to know that such individuals also live in a place that I am so drawn to.

It's getting late now, and I have an early plane to catch. I'll post again tomorrow from the west coast!

Inaugural

I'm sitting here, enjoying a goblet of the excellent Westvleteren XII, a beer that's brewed in limited quantities by Trappist monks in Belgium. I bought a fancy, and overpriced, boxed set that included six bottles of beer measuring in at 30 decilitres, and two goblets. The goblets have some Latin written on them. It reads, "Ad aedificandam abbatiam adiuvi." With the help of Google's translator, I discovered that means "I helped to build the abbey." That makes sense, as part of justifying the outrageous price of this beer were the proceeds going towards renovating the Trappists' home.

This beer, oddly enough, represents where I am in my life. I am in the midst of a transition from soulless consumer to... well, something more than that. I have a vague idea of where I'm headed but I can't say for certain. If there's anything I've learned in my life it's that plans are easily hijacked and redirected. Buying this beer was an impulse purchase of the worst kind. Encouraged by my friend and fellow beer enthusiast, I gave away nearly $100 for the boxed set. It's too bad that doesn't count as a charitable donation! I have a very strong desire to move past the consumerist lifestyle that pervades society. I believe that as I consume the beer, it represents me leaving the last vestiges of that life behind me. I will then be left with two overpriced goblets, of which I'll give one away and keep one as a reminder of the person I was.

I have gone through a lot of soul searching in the past seven months, and I have realized that my life needs some balancing. This blog will be a journal of the journey I take from the life I had, to the one I'm forging for myself. Ironically, the time that I originally gave to myself to pursue a career that I thought I wanted has allowed me the space to take a step back and see that that career wasn't anything at all like what I want from life. My biggest lesson from these seven months is that a little space from the daily grind can grant a whole lot of perspective. 

That perspective has truly opened my eyes. I have begun exploring my spirituality through Hermetic magic and druidry. I realized that I don't want any part of the rat race that society generally considers to be success. I want to pursue a vocation, a true calling to what I was meant to do on this green Earth, with the life that's been given to me. These are all new and very exciting revelations for me.

I've tried blogging in the past, and I lacked the discipline to see it through. Honestly, I also wasn't blogging about anything particularly interesting. This time is different; I'm much better with journals now, I have the discipline to see this through, and I want to share my experiences with others so they can see that there are alternatives to what society at large considers is best for everyone. I hope you'll join me on this journey.

Bottoms up!