Regression

I feel like I've taken a big step backwards having gone back to work. It feels a bit like falling back asleep after experiencing full wakefulness. Work is stress free and simple, which is nice, in a dull, safe kind of way. The people I interact with on a frequent basis are great.

It was funny to me how my friend argued for how smart I am. What made me wonder about my life choices is his saying it's a shame I ended up working for the government because I could have done anything I wanted. The irony of it is that the vast number of choices I face make it very difficult to pick something and go with it. I ended up taking the option that was the easiest at the time: computer science. I would say generally that's how I've operated most of my life, barring some major examples. I really don't know what to do with myself, or whether I should do anything. I've been trying to figure out where my motivation comes from; whether it reflects my authentic self. Why do I feel the need to make something of myself beyond what I am now?

There is a big world out there that seems to be rapidly accelerating towards something that is nothing like what I've seen during my entire life. Settling into work, and the old routines, makes that uncertain future very hazy. It really does feel like falling asleep, my awareness being blunted by what I imagine is culture exposure. The people I associate with have an effect on my thinking, as much as I hate to admit it. So when the alternative news sites report about bigger and bigger things showing signs of reaching a breaking point, and when the people around me seem to be completely blind to it, it encourages me to also turn a blind eye to that bad news. It's simply easier to do so.



A great example of how my attitude is reverting is how I'm spending my free time. I'm back to collecting stuff, making things, and generally cluttering up my space again. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but I really don't like what's happening to me. As I said at the very beginning, all this feels like a big step backwards. It feels like im losing all the great progress I've made over the past seven months. Except for the screen writing and filming with my good friend. That is great fun.

It seems to me, now that I'm back where I was in February, that I'm ready to jump once again into unemployment to pursue a nebulous career with skills I haven't yet developed during the least hospitable economic environment in decades. I mustn't forget that the reason why I dropped art during my break from work was to start preparing for the hard future that's coming. Sometimes it feels like I'm fooling myself, or pleading with myself, that if I were to get a break from work that it would totally be different this time. It isn't to say that I wouldn't try, but my main problem with art was that I couldn't see an end game with that route.

Assuming I acquire the skills that would allow me to make a living as an illustrator, what would my prospects look like? Anecdotal evidence of friends is revealing that the economy is tight and jobs are few and far between. These are people who have gone to college and received formal training. It would be a huge risk to leave my secure job to pursue an iffy career in illustration. I would more than likely end up working in an unrelated industry for a pittance, because my skills would be lacking in both computer programming and art. The logical conclusion then is to just stay put, keep my head down, and adapt as necessary.

And yet, and yet, I feel like I'm giving up on myself. I can't let this go. Leaving work was probably the bravest and most authentic thing I've done in ages (scary thinking of that). The reality is that there will never be a perfect time to move towards a more authentic life, pursuing the things that really matter to me. I must get over my obsession with attempting to divine the destination with whatever path I've taken. There are far too many variables outside of my control that will affect my life, and steer me in directions I haven't even dreamed of at this point. Absolutely it's the journey that matters. If I spend that journey playing it safe, keeping my head down, not reaching for those inconvenient, difficult, and awesome dreams, I know for a fact I'll feel like shit when I hit the end of that road. I'll feel for a life wasted.

Alternatively, I'll more than likely experience the lowest lows, and the highest highs on the road to authenticity. Nothing will be guaranteed. I will suffer loss and defeat, certainly, but I'll also feel elation and true joy knowing that I've chosen my path. That path will be hard, but when I've reached whatever end point that road leads me to, I know I'll be able to look back and realize that I've spent this life the best way I could: in service to who I really am.